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.........i dunno what the hell is wrong with me......nothing makes me happy....i hangout with my frnds alot and im laughing but theres dis whole different story going on in my head....im never mentally present.
i have soo many frnds...i cant believe none of dem ever realize how fucked up i am!! soo feelingless all the time.....if sumthing major goes wrong i pretend nothing happend....the only emotion i stay in touch with is lonliness and anger. this sounds freakin emo and im not glad abt it....but dis isolation of mine is driving me crazy....im a stranger to myself...
ive been thinkin abt death ever since i was five....i remember standing in the window in the middle of the nyte wen everyone was sleeping and looking at the sky....hoping to see a figure in the clouds...wanting to fly and be lost in the sky all alone and never come back.....wen i was 7 i got soo angry i took a pen and crossed my face in every pic of mine....hoping if i can hide my face in the pic maybe i'll disappear for real...my mom thot my brothr did it as a prank...and i let him take the blame...what kind of a sick kid does all that shit....my first real attempt to kill myself was wen i was 8.....
.and whats up with everyone sayin...*you dont know nothing abt feelings*........maybe its cuz ive felt soo shitty all my life...i dnt feel anymore....everythings pretty alryte now but the damage done in my childhood is done....cant get rid of it....its still there in my head....taking over my life....
junaid too mus be fucked....we grew up in the same situation....but i guess he is more open than i am...shares it with his frnds....and im glad he does.....he too is some what fuckd....yea moms all worried abt him.....hes her fav......im suposed to be my fathers fav......but hes dead so dat doesnt help much..
it wudnt have been as pathetic if the whole aziz asshole episode dint happen...i still pretend i dont remember that crap....damn i pretend alot...never told that to anyone....i get shiver by jus thinkin abt it...yet i think abt it every single fuckin nyte of my life....maybe cuz the nytes are soo long....i got to get it off my chest....but i cant tell noone...i dont expect anyone to understand.....maybe cuz everyones soo freaking judgemental...i remeber that nyte jun tellin me he cudnt sleep cuz everytime he closed his eyes the shit repeated again....i understood...i felt the same but i cudnt tell him.....it was like i cudnt move my tongue....i cudnt move my lips and i ws screamin inside my head....since den i cant speak..i get the same feeling everytime....ever since den we stopped talking to each other....its been ten years and we havnt had a peroper conversation...its now a habbit to not say anything....evn if i do...what difference will it make.....i wud get over it but den the whole ayaz shit happend....and it wont end...its been soo long.....it jus doesnt seem to go away:(
then theres everyone tellin me i dont know shit abt life and experiance and the problems....like they have any real one......all made up issues....everyones whinin abt self created issues...all the time....no wonder i feel isolated....nobody seems to hav a prob similar to mine....not evn close...
i think im schezophrenic.....living a double life......i feel like a puppet....and i dunno whoz pullin the strings...all i know is that there a whole diffrent world always avtive in my head...
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fuck it....i dont wnaa write it nomore!