Thursday, December 31, 2009


  • No Income [check]
  • Low self-esteem [check]
  • No sense of Direction [check]
  • 4 Extra Pounds [check]
  • Guilt [check]
  • Reduced Intelligence [check]
  • Citizenship of The Shit hole [check]

WoAh....Looks like Im all set to begin another pointless Year.
Happy New Year To Me Babay!

...and you too.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Pedo from the Hood.

Somethings up with my head. I mean...having weird dreams about your ex's current love interest is one thing....but having a dream of a pedophile form your childhood is just disturbing.
There used to be this man where I live...He was someones driver. He looked something like Chuck Norris, only his beard was pimp black and he was whiter and healthier. looked more like Liev Schreiber. I'll photoshop.
Anyway...My school van driver used to tell me to get down 15 minutes early (I know...what a jerk). And I was the only kid studying in afternoon so I had to wait for the van all alone. So this bastard used to stand there staring at me for fifteen whole minutes!
And I wasnt even that attractive back then...I must be 13-14 something....we're talking a straight highway road here with absolutely no turns. I tried hiding behind a tree, car, pillar nothing worked. He would just stand ryte in front of me and stare.

Now there are kinds of stares...First you have the harmless innocent kind. You know the young ones who are new to puberty and are fascinated by round objects. They just have a "wow look at that, I wish I could touch it" in their heads. Theyre just curious. All you have to do is give them a hard long stare and they'll hide behind tree.
Then you have the mature uncles staring at you with a big *sigh* wishing they had a younger wife....They're a little annoying and sometimes sick.
Then you have The stare...the kind which makes you want to self combust. The one that makes you wish you were never born. These people are usually raping you in their heads n jacking it leaving you with nausea for the next three days.
Thats the kind of stare I had to deal with.
But of course, I dint know all this back then....I was just scared cuz i thought he was going to kidnap me and put me in the acid drum (Remember Javed Iqbal?). I even cried once. It wasnt till I turned 16 that I realized that all he wanted to do was rape me.
I havent been this scared of a person my whole life (besides Arif phupa...hes like fat and bald and short....I almost blurt my lungs out with the salaam every time he comes in front of me).

So yes...I had a dream that HE was Mariams new driver...:\
Oh Mariam finally has a new driver *yaYy*..
Damn Mariam, GET OUT OF MY HEAD MAN!! This is Gay.
See too busy with your cousins aren't you? Look whats happening to me.

Okay I just realized I dont have photoshop so I had to edit in paint.
If you see this man around throw rocks/bikes/anything pointy and heavy at him!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Life khappay, still.

Mariam [my partner in crime friend who is just as lifeless] and I had decided on Sunday that we would start studying on Tuesday. After Midnight. Technically Wednesday. But it seems like we wont be having our exams before February. So we're talkin massive waste of time, only this time, no remorse.
Shes been like my boy friend for the past 4 days. I spend like 4-8 hours chatting with her. I feel so gay. [Not that I dont enjoy and appreciate it=p]
I wanted to write something about the blast n shit but then again...whats the point?
We all knew it was gona happen. Also I lost interest.
Just being honest.
So lets get down to things that dont matter at all but I like to mention them anyway, because I can.

Issues of the Day :

Why do girls think that they're not going to look like a slut if they just look away and pretend that they are completely unaware of the fact that a person [whom they begged for hours to take their picture because they look so divine so they can upload them on fb and compete in the 'I am skank-ier than you are' competition] is standing ryte in front of them with a god damn camera?
Just look in the God damn camera, bitch?
What exactly are you trying to prove?
That youre so gorgeous that everyone wants to take your picture and save the moment of your awesomness forever? Is that what you have in mind? You think that we dont knwo that you know someones taking your pic?
What the Fuck, I ask you?

Also, whats with the peace/rock/victory sign?

Is that supposed to be cool?

Also, why do people like the song fireflies by Owl city?

A fox trot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed

A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

Please explain?
Was he high on bullshit when he wrote it?
I cant believe they're actually playing it on the radio.

I....need a hobby [read life].

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Life khappay!

* That is a kutta with a smile of a child molester =>

* I am a racist.

* You have a lot of time to waste.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Ho ho hoe!

Are you ready?
Ready for the drama?
the depression?
the wailing?
the exaggeration?

Cuz I most certainly am Not!

Why do we have to ridicule ourselves like this every year?
I dont get the mindset of the people involved in it.
I just dont get it.
Never will.
I have issues with Muharram.

Also. There's this new text roaming around that youre not supposed to wish people Merry Christmas cuz the term itself has something to do with God begetting Christ or something.
Everyone who bothered forwarding this text, a Big Fuck You to YOU!
Bloody Bird Brains.
THIS is why we suck.
Before you froward such hateful racist messages please bother searching a little about it?
Go google the etymology of "Merry Christmas"
I live in the country of the Pious Chosen Idiots.
You're all out there to piss me off innit?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

My cousin...

Amna says:
uzma lsn!

uzma says:

Amna says:
pls uzma Im serious!

uzma says:

Amna says:
haan naaaa.a.

uzma says:
ab tum ye dp laga ker mujhse serious baat karogi?

Amna says:
suno naa. pls dp hide kerdou!

uzma says:
haan kardi

Amna says:
acha lsn mein cam on keronge excpt kerna tumko ek cheez dekhane hai!

uzma says:

Amna says:
nai woh nai hai.

uzma says:

Amna says:
help me out!

uzma says:

Amna is inviting you to start viewing webcam. Do you want to Accept (Alt+C) or Decline (Alt+D) the invitation?

You have accepted the invitation to start viewing webcam.

uzma says:
whats that?

Amna says:
I just made it!

uzma says:

Amna says:
naaai !
kaisa hai?
it's a jewry box?!

uzma says:
its nice

Amna says:
kaise lagrhe hun mein cam mein?

uzma says:
like a cam whore

The webcam session has ended.

Amna says:
nai naaa..
I was looking nice!

uzma says:


I refuse to accept the fact that Im related to them. Every single time we interact my intelligence decreases.
[Konsole] #include [iostream.h]
[Konsole] #include [stdlib.h]
[Konsole] #include [afterstepspenis.h]
[Konsole] #include [thatnakedchick.h]
[Konsole] #define hebangsher 1
[Konsole] int main(void)
[Konsole] {
[Konsole] while (hebangsher)
[Konsole] cout << "oh yeah!\n";
[Konsole] return 0;
[Konsole] }

[afterstep] yeah. Thats funny...=(

My Journey - From Jolie to Lilo.

Its an allergy reaction. To what I dont know. But its pretty bad. Can barely open my eyes. Took the pic in the morning. Its much worse now. Worse enough to make everyone go all "Hhaaawwee....".
Err...Yes...thank you for the motivation everyone.
I mean...I wouldnt go to a cancer patient and go all "haaaawwee...."...the person is already fucked up alryte....gaaah..
I dont want to lose my vision....:(
I hate how my blog is all about me and how pathetic Im feeling but
I love my eyes...*sniff*....Dont take my vision...take my sense of smell...or ability to walk...or auditory sensation....just not my eyes...[or hands]....*waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan*...please...:( EEG report came today....its just as lame as EEG itself. I mean I was actually looking forward to getting it done ya oh how cool it would be they'll record my brain activity and how eveyr part of my brain responds...but it was so lame I ended up taking a nap. The guy kept telling me to relax n breathe.
SO yes...the report says hyperactivity n shit but normal. And theres a lil note in the end sayin "This does NOT rule out epilepsy"
I dont like this!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Needles. Because theyre pointy.

*Thinking of something funny to write*

*thinks harder*

*scratches chin*

*pushes specs back up on the nose*

*gives up*

I have issues with needles.
Ive never taken an injection. Malaria, typhoid, measles, chicken pox....NEVER.
Im not scared of the dark or lizards or crocodiles or heights or snakes...but I have issues with people inserting a needle in me....and short, fat, bald, mean looking men. They kind of freak me out.
Also I would like to take this opportunity to tell you tht my IT teacher is not hot. I just said I have a 'thing' for him and the rest were all assumptions. Hes a geek and a nerd. And apparently that seems to be my thing:\
Thank you.
Sorry you had to click all the way to my blog to read this useless, unfunny, unintellectual piece of crap. My sincere apologies.
Good night.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

And there once was a super sexy Hypocrite..

I know Ive been really lame lately...
Pata hai mujhey.
Unfortunately, the lameness is going to continue for a while.
Its not me...its the imbalances.
But. Screw that.
I want to upload ayeshas pictures. Theyre so adorable.
But at the same time I hate it when people upload baby pics or use them as their display pictures. Its just annoying man. All kids are not cute. Dont expect everyone to go all 'awwwwn-awwwe-kuchie-koo-goo-goo-gaa-gaa' over it.
See the conflict Im dealing with right now? uploading baby pics here is completely different yeah..?
I mean rules are always different for everyone else.
Also this be my personal space.....I can be lame, I can upload baby pics, I can upload porno pics, Meri God Damn Marzi!
Screw You!

Saturday, December 19, 2009


Hey, guys. Is there an easy way to split an array of 100 integers for example and write 3 numbers per line separated by whitespace into a file ?

#include "realeasyfunctions.h" / Split100intArrayWrite3xLineWithWhitespaceInto(FILE* f);

bahahaha...this is hilarious..=(

My awesome friends think I should stop using bad words on my blog. Kinda fucks it up and doesnt suit my personality.
Thats how much I love you guys...=(

Friday, December 18, 2009

I dont have hysteria, Afu.
Doesnt. Matter.
Fuck You, you stupid little fucked up hysteric philosopher!
Dont you dare cross the conscious line.
Just stay there and die already.
The Fuck.
Theek hai?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Analyzing Paki Weddings.

[Disclaimer : This post is inspired by my friends wedding which I recently attended. Although Ive lost total and complete interest in the following contents I still have to post it so I can tell myself to 'shut the fuck up already' the next time something like 'ugh, my feet still hurt' comes to my mind. Its psychological, even I dont fully understand the complex fucks in my head.
Also, you may find extreme 'girly' particles in the post. Please forgive me if you bang your key board out of frustration because you cant punch the shit out of me by the end of this post. Thank you for your cooperation.]

Lets start with the parlors...The bride has to dress up alryte...but 4 hours? Seriously? You need four hours to paint your face? 4 hours to not look like yourself? Isnt it a lil too much?
Any guy reading this...Do you seriously want your wife-to-be to put an inch fat layer of 'base' on her face? I dont get it. Mutlab...thora ziada nai hai? Like...isnt that fake? When did this trend start anyway? I think the whole idea is stupid! Brides should be simple and au naturelle! Ziada pretty lagti hain. [By the way...sania ended up looking totally gaw-jus! It was like The princess and the Ass.]

Which brings me to my second point....Why are the girls attending the wedding expected to leave their hair open and wear a blood red lip color?
And when they dont, why are they continuously asked 'why dint you dress up?'
Also, why do girls wear sleeve-less and capries in winter?
And when they do, why do they think theyre looking really hot standing in the corner shivering?
Are they expecting Edward Cullen/Shahrukh Khan [depending on their mentality] to pop out of somewhere and lend them his jacket and brush their hair aside while giving them a sparkling kiss on their dry skin [they also dont like wearing cold cream and have cracks on their face]?

Coming to the Dulha...Now....theek hai youre nervous and its you big day n shit...but..can you please not be so gay asking people if the picture they took of you is awesome or not?
I already look stupid sitting on the stage like a baboon [no offense]...just..mind it..yea? Also stop finding excuses to touch your wife...shes all yours to fuck...just wait till you guys are alone, okay? Stop grossing out people around you. Yes...people...ya know all the fools who cared enough to show up at YOUR stupid wedding. Yes. Them. Theyre around you and they can see you!


I had to go to park towers, all dressed up, with my two cousins [who were more than just dressed up] an hour before the wedding to buy my friends sister a dress cuz she had nothing to wear. I am going to impale the next person who says Im a bitch to my friends.
I wore heels for 8 hours, its been 3 days and I still cant feel my feet.
The cute guy my cousin was flirting the night away with ended up crushing on me. No I dont have a point to prove here I just wanted to mention it.
*Evil Grin*
But Im not in teh mooooood..=(
Gawd Uzma shut the fuck up already...nobody cares!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My version of Paradise Lost.

I tried to study and ended up writing this.
Now I expect you to follow some rules here..

1. If you like it leave an awesome comment, if you dont, fuck off, please.

2. I do not, I repeat, do NOT, entertain criticism.

3. Dont judge me.

Happy Reading!

Epic Shit.

Both the foolish sisters were cursed,
In their land disgrace dispersed
All the foolish men and sows,
scared away the baby boars.
Then the foolish men were sent
By their sows to search their boars,
Not once they thought of their king
Or that their kingdom might extinct.
They walked out of Holy Land,
Making castles out of dry sand.

The lousy sows now felt ignored
And were running out of hoard,
They wanted what the sisters had
In cahoots, they all went mad;
The king was easy to deceive,
He lynched the sisters just to cease
the madness in his kingdom,
He had but no wisdom.
The sows then outsmarting the king,
impaled his old wrinkled skin,
they then bathed in his dreary blood
Eating his flesh like royal pud.

But when the foolish men returned,
they were startled, they were stunned
They threatened to leave their Holy Land,
this time never to return again.
The sows then swore upon their boars
They will never again be coarse,
but they had something else in mind
And took their foolish men to unwind.

The foolish men were killed in sleep,
Their flesh the sows happily reaped,
a few days later, the sows wanted more,
ogling with love their baby boars.
They couldn't hunt, they couldn't run,
SO they drank their juicy sons.


Saturday, December 12, 2009


Im hungry.
Terrible headache.
Ever had a thing for headaches?
[Eliminate all logics here.]
Like sometimes you get one...and its like your temporal lobe...but you want it to be more intense?
Like if the pain reaches a certain state [like that of saturation] it will become a tranquilizer?
And then you go in a trance and just want to feel every single neuron signaling the pain?
*moving back n forth*
*still moving back n forth*

Tomorrow my friends in-laws are throwing a huge lunch and I have to be there for her. My mum doesnt know Im going to the parlor with her before the thing. She wont allow of course.
I dont wana fuck anything up for her. Shes depending on me.
I dont like responsibilities=(
What if I pass out again..?
Cuz I kind of do every time Im in a crowd.
Kiaw yaar...
I feel nauseous now.
Mc Royale khana hai yaar...=(

Friday, December 11, 2009

fly n shit..

After pretending to be Aristotle for 2 days...Im so over epilepsy.

A very close friend of mine got married to a goo bag...whom she claims, she loves.
Hes..just...err... it just me or girls really become doormats after commitment?
Mutlab theek people are in love and all that yada yada magical jazz...just keep it in your room man!
Why do they have to go all..."jaan khana khaya..?" "are you feeling alryte baby?" " you need anything..?" in public?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Like...what am I, pardon me, a chutia sitting there..?
But thats not what I had in mind...umm...but never mind...
I cant seem to process my thoughts aj kal...
*rests head on palm and pretends to faint*

eh eh eh

I kind of have a thing for my IT teach I think....
you're now allowed to shoot me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

More on me....cuz I cant get over myself.

This one is just an extension of the last post since I got distracted by that lil future skank.
Yes Ive been talking about myself a lot lately...dont take me wrong...but I really just cant get over myself. As much as I hate to admit.
Ek to bhook lagjati after every hour...gekhh.
So Ive been getting all that extra unwanted attention since yesterday ryte..
I was just getting ready for my IT class...and my mum goes all..

"Kahan jarai ho?"

Me : "class.."

Mum : "kiu?"

Me : "Test hai.."

Mum : "Khana kha kar jao.."

Me : "its 2:40...3 bje class hai maa.."

Mum : "main nai janay derai phir.."

Me : *swallows some leftover*

Mum : "paani le lia?"

Me : "jee"

Mum : "main bhi chalty hoon.."

Me : "nai..."

Mum : "Acha main pick karney ao gi. Call karna ja ker.."

Me : "ta-tah Maa! "

An hour later I get her text...

Mum : "Uzma are you okay?"

Me : "hahah...Yes Im alive.."

Mum : "Shut up kuke (cookie)"

Me : "lunch mai kia hai..?"

Mum : "Mera kaleja (liver)"

Me : "nai khana.."

Mum : "As you wish"

Me : "Im done with my test. Ap pick karne kab ayengi?"

Mum : "Mainey luch karlia ap khud ajao.."

Me : "lol...okay"

Mum : "Sorry.."

Me : "Its okay Ammi jaan!"

I know I know. Cute.
And after going to the doctor I found out why shes being so emo.
What happened yesterday wasnt just a syncope...It was an epileptic fit.
EEG tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

How to publically humiliate yourself.

Step 1 : Step outside of your house and go somewhere more public. Preferably a mall.

Step 2 : Pass out.

Note : If you wish to further intensify the humiliation, keep your eyes open while youre unconscious and shiver...that will totally freak people out and if youre lucky enough to have your mommy around...we're then talkin tears along with massive attention.

Ronay wali kia baat thi yaar?
Not like it was the first time. Ive passed out before. Happens all the time. Just...blegh.
My mamus daughter is here. I wana slap the shit out of her. I wana strangle her. I wana punch her guts out. I wana beat her up with a baseball bat. I wana cut her into million pieces and feed em to pigs. Shes bloody 10. Bhenchod STOP FUCKING WITH MY SHIT AND STOP HUGGING ME AND STOP KISSING ME AND STOP TICKLING ME YOURE NOT CUTE!! FAAAAAAAACK!!!! I DONT WANT TO GIVE YOU MY PENCIL OR A PAPER AND STOP FUCKING TOUCHING MY MOTHER FUCKING MONITOR. I HATE KIDS BHENCHOD.


Sunday, December 6, 2009

Yeh jo halka halka suroor hai...=D

Okay this is really getting annoying now.
My mum has been calling me Joshua ever since we saw that movie. First I thought shes just picking on me like she does...but turns out shes pretty serious. She thinks Im a lil psychotic like that kid.
She says I draw weird stuff like that kid, I used to be weirdly quiet as a kid, Im distant, hate socializing, and Im interested in weird stuff and I watch creepy shit, and she'll never forget how I was all crazy over 'cleaning out my closet'.
Well...yeah okay maybe I do but that doesnt mean anything!! A lot of people do that.
Last night my brother told me to turn off the lights in a very angry tone and I dint say anything so my mum went all..."Junaid...aesey nai bola karo...ek hi to behen hai apki...choti si, pyaari si, intelligent si, horror si, mujhe to darr hi lagta hai uzma aap se.."
And then Hajira goes all.."Uzma mujhey tumse dar lagta hai you youre creepy..bohat ajeeb lagti ho sometimes.."
Im not a sociopath....whatthefuckman!
Im adorable! Tell them Mariam how lovable I am...
How cute I am...and how you think I have the ability to turn someone one without even trying...go ahead...tell them...
Okay just in case she doesnt comment on this one let me speak for my self...
Im awesome!
Im the double chocolate peanut butter fudge cake!
You dont have to be scared of me just cuz Im obsessed with weird stuff...
Just...yeah....I believe in peace and love!
I dont appreciate you calling me a queer.
It hurts!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Dont leave me High... Ive done some pretty stupid shit...but this ones really...umm..okay not that surprising. But yeah...I was just going through my last years political science notes...actually I wasnt reading the notes...I just like going through my stuff cuz I always write/draw some sick shit in between. Its very entertaining. yeah and there was stapler in my hand...and I dont know what happened...I was just like playing with click click like I always do...and I kind of stapled my finger...and it hurts!

[Avoid the mehendi!]
It was worse than that time I got my neck stuck between a hanger..:\
Now now....dont be judging me....Im not as immature as I sound here. Just...I get carried away with objects...they interest me....a lot.

And this is what I was reading :

"I shall kill you and you shall die and be dead till morning when I shall kill you again and you shall suffer and live through the pain before you die each death. I shall resuscitate you for my pleasure and I shall continue the process till I am satisfied and it wont be soon. Once is not enough."

Funny yeah..? I cant even remember who I wrote it for. I must've been really pissed.
Anyway, seen Joshua...? the 2007 flick about this sick kid?
Its awesome.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Why Im so full of shit...

I went to college today after a long time to collect my notes and books and syllabus. The not-so-long-lost hatred in me was excavated by these moronic ardent naive admirers of regular bullshit.

: "OhmyGosh! that guy is sooooo cuute!"

Bitch : "no way hes ugly."

Skank : "yeah he looks a little sick but I love him.."

Space waster : "hehehehhehehe"

Skank : "Have you seen this movie [they were talking about 21]...these MIT students they like start gambling cuz theyre like so good at math.."

Bitch : "But... how..?"

Skank : "Theyre really good at math I mean c'mon theyre MIT students..."

Bitch : "What does MIT stand for..?"

Skank : "uh...I dont know..."

Space waster : "hehehehe"

Bitch : "You like edward cullins?"

Skank : " waaye!"

....and just last year these brainless goo bags were all gaga over twilight.
And then you ask me why I dont socialize.
puff ponytails [or 'p-hugga' to quote mariam] bana kar they think themselves to be Tesla and Jolie ka offspring...stupid bitches!
Gawd I just wana slap their guts out!
Those idiot!
What the hell is wrong with our generation?
Absolutely no sense of anything. Second hand information per itna attitude! Like....dude....ugh...
arrrggghhhhhh!!! the way...heres a pic of a p-hugga:

Thursday, December 3, 2009

A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido.

Ever feel like everything was created, in this particular manner, at a particular time, in a particular place, just to piss you off if even for a moment...?
If you said yes to that, you need to get your head out of your ass and accept the fact that youre not that important [mocking self].

So my battery dies and I go all "awe man benchod this shit.." in a weird Negro accent.
Ive started saying that a lot and I dont like it. Need stop.
Once again, Amna and Sania, Thank you.

Nothing significant happening in my life...nothing worth mentioning...Bilal says I need to get out of the house, socialize, and get a life...but hes been saying that for the past 4 years...I might just actually listen to him this time.

Candida Blues

I was up till 4 am reading this kind of stuff...

Eugene : "I go about in search of love and find it in unmeasured stores in the bosom of others. But when I try to ask for it, this horrible shyness strangles me; and I stand dumb, or worse than dumb, saying meaningless things: foolish lies. And I see the affection I am longing for given to dogs and cats and pet birds because they come and ask for it. It must be asked for: it is like a ghost; it cannot speak until it is first spoken to. All the love in the world is longing to speak; only it dare not, because it is shy! Shy! Shy! That is the worlds tragedy."

"...It is one of amused tolerance most of the time, but she has a deep understanding of his craving for love and great respect for his feelings. She is not prudish enough to be harsh with the young boy for revealing his passion for her. Her unshakable loyalty to James will prevent her from ever exceeding the limit with Eugene..."

And I still have to critically analyze the characters and justify their respective decisions and critically appreciate the shit.
This is not happening!