Showing posts with label ze schitz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ze schitz. Show all posts

Sunday, March 11, 2012

17th Centruy France and 21st Century Pakistan

I recently gave a presentation on mental institutions in the 17th century. We did have an idea about what they were like because we keep studying old practices every now and then but I came across this particular description about a particular institution in France, called La Bicetre [pronounced bi-sseth], which gave me the chills. Here is the excerpt:

"a typical scene at La Bicetre, a hospital in Paris, starting with patients shackled to the wall in dark, cramped cells, iron cuffs and collars permitted just enough movement to allow patients to feed themselves, but not enough to lie down at night, so they were forced to sleep upright. Little attention was paid to the quality of food and the rooms were never cleaned. Patients had to make do with the little amount of straw to cover the cold floor and were forced to sit amongst their own waste that was also never cleaned up".

Last weekend, we went to visit the patients at Sir C.J. Institute of Psychiatry in Hyderabad, popularly known as Giddu Bandar. The whole purpose of the trip was to show us what its really like to work in a mental institution and also to show us how to communicate with patients who have severe symptoms of psychosis.

Before I get started, I must mention that I saw some neat scenery on my way to Hyderabad. The dried up lake, nice green fields. It was pretty.


Before going there, we we're given clear instructions that we will see things we dont like and as bad as the situation, we must remember, that before this hospital was built, mentally ill patients used to wander the streets and they were not accepted by their family or society. Had no place to live and no food to eat while children threw rocks at them. And now at least they have a safe place to stay. In other words, we were mentally prepared to see the worst.


There are 11 wards in the hospital. We were shown only 4 of them.
The first ward we visited was of patients with mild to moderate symptoms of schizophrenia. The moment I walked in the ward, I was taken over with fear because the beds of the patients were too close together, leaving a very small space for us to walk. I couldnt help but think that one of them will have a fit and get out of control. It was especially pathetic of me to think that because of all the people I should know these patients, like any other, are sick people and not animals.

Anyway, the fear was gone when I started noticing the room and people in it. The walls were of dull gray and white color [that had gone yellow from filth]. There was no ventilation in the room because all the windows were covered with net, with piles of dirt caught in between. And then I noticed the bed of patient right next to me. He was staring at us with amusement, lying in his own vomit and piss which I could tell hadn't been cleaned for a couple of days. That's where the stench was coming from. Suddenly I had a feeling that I've visited this place before or seen it...then I realized that I was actually inside the the image I had in my mind when I first read the description of Le Bicetre.

The second ward we visited had only one patient suffering from psychosis. He was narcissistic with a sense of grandiosity. Keeping all my emotions and empathy aside, I found him to be the most interesting of them all mainly because he also suffered from neologism. Neologism is the use of meaningless words by a person suffering from psychosis. Initially, we thought he was speaking in different languages because of his fluency, but later we were told that it wasn't a language but random words the the patient made up. We actually learned quite a few things about psychosis.

The third ward we visited was for female patients. They too had schizophrenia with some having absolutely no reality contact. The difference between the male and female ward was that the females were locked in room, giving it an appearance of a jail. Im not sure what the inside of the room was like because they dint let us in saying that the female patients were more hostile than the male patients. We stood outside and spoke to them. From what I could see, it was not as dirty as the male ward but not necessarily clean either. There was another room inside the room, with a jail like appearance for patients who made too much trouble.

The sad...one of the sad things was, that the less sick patients were responsible for taking care of patients in bad condition. There were only two caretakers outside the room who shouted orders to the patients inside..."Nudrat...Naseem baji ko ander band kardo", like Nudrat was a certified nurse. Naseem seemed to have severe symptoms of psychosis as she had no idea of who she was or where she was and kept taking off her clothes saying obscenities. I dint quite feel the pain of these patients until one of them came in front and began crying. She sat by the gate and kept repeating "main pagal horai hoon mujhe dawai de do mai bohat bemaar hoon. Mujhe theek kardo mujeh ghar jana hai"

Most of these patients were brought in by their children. Seeing us actually made them happy because they never have any visitors, including close family members.

The last ward was of suicidal patients. Most of them were asleep due to heavy medications and one of them chained to keep him from harming himself. We heard people shouting in other building but the head doctor wouldn't take us there saying it wast safe.

Almost forgot about the head doc, who is also the managing director of the place. Lets call him Dr. Josef Mengle, because he reminded me of him. Dr. Josef Mengle was one of the head doctors of the Nazi concentration camp where he conducted many experiments on humans, twin children in particular. The most popular experiments being injecting fluids in the eyes of kids to change their eye color and stitching twin together to form Siamese twins.

Of course he's not as badass as him but he sure has the tendency to get there. Rude and ignorant, he dint hesitate insulting two people of our staff members [security guards] for stepping inside the building because only people who have had some particular education and training are allowed inside the building. His favorite form of treatment was obviously ECT [Electroconvulsive Therapy] as he kept on saying that we should've arrived before 10 am because then he could show us patients receiving electric shocks.

He refused to show us around after 1.30 because his daughter was coming to pick him up. Though the morning shift doesn't end till 2:00 pm, all the doctors left before 1:30. The whole facility has over 300 patients, 5 psychiatrists and only 2 psychologist [only one available at a time]. I honestly dont know on what basis are the patients divided because it appeared that they were all randomly shoved together in a room ignoring the severity of their symptoms which can have a drastic effect on the health of the patients who only have mild symptoms.

Our teachers told us not to criticize the hospital unless we are willing to do something about it ourselves. So Im just going to shut the fuck up because I know I wont be going back there again. I dont have it in me. I couldn't even talk to the patients like the rest of them. I was too caught up with my own thoughts. It was the first time that I actually questioned my ability to become a good psychologist because honestly, I dint know how to react. I couldn't even stand the fact that I shook hands with one of the patients. Im not sure if Im more disgusted with myself or the caretakers of the institution.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Because YOUR FACE IS HARAM!!

If you know me at all, but why would you, not like I've published all my researches in my name, and even if I did, what are the chances of you reading them? But anyway, if you knew me you'd know how ignorant I am toward religion.
Im not an atheist or agnostic or whatever...Im just not very spiritual.

Anyway.
I know this self-righteous narcissistic pretentious bitch woman. Well, I know a couple. But this one in particular is just in my face all the time with her opinions and beliefs. And we've only had a face-to-face conversation Twice!
She's just SO hard to ignore. Shes there preaching at the university, on our dept. official page, through her own page dedicated to animals, and any other forum that she thinks can be used to annoy people....shes just THERE!
"Oooh look at me Im a humanist I love animals oh Im just so much better than everyone else because I spend my dadys munnies everyday saving animals oooo I love them so much and Im a 'vegan' I dont eat milk and eggs and things made from milk and eggs but a cheese pizza is okay I guess because Im such a good human being saving all these animals and supporting gay rights...OMG where's my crown?"

I make sure I post all Maddox animal rights related stuff on her wall...Its funny how she begins explaining that people who eat meat are ignorant, uneducated, selfish children of Devil. Not that she believes in a Devil.

And thats not all, she keeps posting articles like homosexuality in Islam and women should should be allowed to roam naked and pretty much any sex related issue. I mean. People dont have money to eat. They're killing their children because they dont have money to eat. And you're spending 5000 everyday bathing a bunch of stray cats and dogs? And you have the nerve to say people are ignorant? Seriously? I mean. Seriously?

Well his was going to be an interesting post but Im just a little distracted.
Got to know things I dint really want to know and now its just stuck in my head and its going to stay there for ever. I would write about it but I dont want to be pitied.

In other news, turns out its a requirement to get myself psychoanalyzed before I can treat a real patient. Yep. So we were all given a choice to select our partners, and I, being equally uncomfortable with all my class mates, said yes to the first person who asked me. And well, lets just say, we're like...Gulliver and Frankenstein. I being Gulliver, of course.
Its so much more awkward than it sounds. And thats not all. We will be partners till January 2013 and will be administering Rorcharch, and TAT, and what not. Just. Ugh. Im such an interesting subject!!! I mean....theres so much dirt to dig...My perfectly fucked up mind is just being wasted with the examiner that Im assigned ~.~

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Emofied.

You know what sucks about being a girl in this region of the world?
Everything.
From education to going out to liking someone to crossing 20's without getting married.
Mutlab...pura mulk shaadi karne mai laga hua hai.
Shaadi on morning shows.
Shaadi on cooking shows.
Shaadi in dramas.
Our lives revolve around being married and getting others married.
No wonder we haven't progressed as a nation. We focus too much on reproduction and partners to reproduce with.

I turned 23 yesterday.
Fuck this Im not even going try to make this sound interesting.

I hate shaadi.
I hate family.
I hate collectivism.
I hate paranoid worried mothers.
I hate aunts and uncles who believe it to be their moral duty to get everyone in the extended family married.
I hate being a girl.
I hate it when the mummy and the baby visit people to see gUrLx for the baby.
One such baby visited me the other day.
Mummy ne larki dikhai.
Baby ne pasand karli.
Without even having a conversation.
Ab baby shaadi bhi karlega.
With mummy's consent, of course.
I feel like a bakri.
NAFRAT HAI MUJHE RISHTO SE AUR RISHTEY KARANEY WALIO SE
>.<

A long month of emotional blackmail, long pointless dramatic conversations, and rebellion awaits me.
Because getting married at the right time is above all.
If I dont post within a month, know that I cut myself and bled to death.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Emoness Redefined.

I've been doing a lot [read a little] research on music and cognition lately [hate it when the first sentence begins with an "I"]. Cognitive psychology is my least favourite field in psychology. But the semester is over and Im DONE with the course!! But its not over. Neuropsychology awaits me in the next semester -.-
So I was writing about music and cognition. Meh. I lost interest. Initially I wanted to be a cognitive psychologist and have total control on the thoughts and memories of my patients. But I realized how boring, dry, and complicated it is to study brain. So Im sticking with clinical psychology.

2011 sucked more than 2010 and Im not expecting 2012 to be any better. Im not being emo, its just that...the quality of life keeps on decreasing.
Nothing significant happened. Besides the deaths and strokes and a number of paralysis here n there. Made a Lot of money. Spent more than I earned. Dint grow as a person. Made a lot of unnecessary friends. But it was kind of needed since all my old friends and cousins got married this year. Married friends turn in to these relatives who you meet occassionally because you dont want to cut them out of your life out of courtesy. Anyway. 2011 sucked. December in particular was full of shit. And January is expected to be shittier since December was only the beginning and in January the shit is going to be at its peak...going to stay there for a couple of months.
But look at the bright side. I learned how to do my make-up. And TAT. Which kind of added to my awesomeness. People think Im super fucking cool with my psychoanalysis n all. What they dont know is that all that keWlnesses coming out of my mouth isnt coming from my brain but from the manual that I stole -.-

Like always, Im feeling stupid and confused starting another insignificant, pointless year which I will live simply because Im alive. I always end up adding extra baggage to my life. I hate making spontaneous decisions like that. My brain has been dead for the past two months now. I dont feel like thinking about things. I just let others direct my thoughts. Which is actually working out quite well socially. But Im not satisfied.
I hate it when my decisions affect another person. And vice versa. I hate chain reactions. Chain reactions shouldnt exist. Neither should I. Or anyone else for that matter. Seriously. Whats with existence?
I hate January. And June. And July. And New Year posts.
Im feeling stupid and dependent and helpless and stupid.
*starts cutting face with blade and paints on the wall with blood*
How are you feeling?

Also....wtf Almas? Go away.

Friday, October 14, 2011

ANALYSIS - II

3. Ismah

Okay...you're personality comes off as nurturing, i.e. you tend to protect those around you and youre not a hard person to get along with. You dont have issues following others as you yourself are easy going. This is good but at times it turns in to compliance as you may passively submit to the will of others (for whatever reasons, may be to maintain harmony).
At times you feel that you lack opportunities in your life and are constantly searching for them.
And Im not sure about this but it seems like youve had some bad company which has had some influence on your actions or habits...may be friends or peers. If yes then it has been bothering you on a subconscious level. Time to change those habits and company.

You also seem to have a certain sense of failure. My be you were not able to achieve what you really wanted, could be related to academic, professional, or personal life. I dont know you personally so I cant exactly point out but you lack sense of achievement. Which is probably the reason for your submissive behavior. Im not saying that youre exactly unhappy with your life or that youre miserable...but at the end of the day you dont quite feel good about yourself...rather good enough. You seem to have some feelings of inferiority from time to time. Also you seem a bit guilty about some of your actions. Has there been a dramatic change in your life? There seems to be a sudden shift in your emotional state due to the changes in your life. You still havent adjusted to that change which is causing some emotional discomfort.
May be you should try out some different things in your life...something youre good at or interested in. May be focus on yourself a bit instead of how everyone else is doing. If you want to make other happy you must first try to make yourself feel good. Or something like that. Im really not good with advices but do try to give yourself some "Me [you] Time". It doesnt have to be big...just may be improve cooking or painting or whatever your interest is. Also...meditate. You know most of the problems that we think we have are only in our heads.

4. Amara

Why hello there familiar blogger ^.^
Yours is a bit tricky so its going to sound more like a conversation than an analysis.
So whats with the resistance? You seem to be a little...um...[forgive me] stubborn in the sense that you refuse to comply with another persons decision. Im not talking generally...something specific in your life. But that isnt necessarily bad...you should be able to make your own decisions but may be take a different approach?
Heres the tricky part...though you do things your way...youre still not satisfied. You know what you want to do and how you want to do and youre not afraid to break the rules. But after going through all that trouble theres still something missing. But then again youre still quite young and figuring life out so its normal.
Also...stop being so passive!
Get closer to people...for real. Feel more.
You may not agree but some support from family and friends would be good.
You seem to feel isolated and rejected. May be you feel that people dont accept you the way you are. Have you lost someone you were close to in the past? Once again, I cant tell precisely because I dont personally know you but its either someones death or physical danger. Which one is it? Though you appear to be fine your internal mental state isnt very stable. I could be wrong [just a noob speaking here]. Anyway...try to open up. Give people a chance to get to know you.
Things always get better with time.

5. random Hyper - Stay tuned.

P.S. a little feedback would be nice you guys. So I know how Im doing.

ANALYSIS!!

Okay so its a little late alright but I was a little busy with the mental health day camp n all. But in my defense...I dint specify which Saturday u_u
Before I go on with the analysis, once again do not consider it to be the final verdict since I dont personally know you guys and the images used are not even the real TAT stuff. Also, this is not a very detailed analysis since it is based on just one situation that you were given.
Please dont make fun of my suggestions -.-
ANYWAY.

1. Steadtler

Hi. How are you?
Please do not let the analysis discourage you. What Im writing here is only one part of your personality and Im sure there so much more to you and your life. There are a few dominant themes in the story that you wrote.

Conflict - There seems to be a conflict in your life which is taking up your time. Could be related to your education, personal life, or career. It may be that you feel dissatisfied with some decisions that you have made in recent past and you feel things would have been had you opted for something else. This is causing you some uneasiness. There also seems to be a lot of distrust in your life. May be you have learned not to trust any one from your past experiences. You seem to be a little suspicious of pretty much everyone in your life and have a hard time accepting others ideas. Its not that you dont want to trust anyone but you just cant get yourself to do so. It may be due to rejection or related to your personal freedom.

You also seem unhappy with you current environment. You feel that you dint or dont have enough opportunities in life and seem to be in search of some. There also seems to be a lack of human support in your life from friends/family/spouse. May be it is that you dont feel secure about your present or future environment. You also seem to be a little disconnected from the people around you. May be the reason why you are not able to trust anyone is that you feel that the person will not understand your situation or the circumstances that youre in.
Has there been any major loss (material or a loved one)? If yes then it has a lot to do with your inability to trust.
You sometimes tend to blame your bad situation or decisions on luck....In the sense that you dint have any other choice. This may have something to do with the decisions you have made in the past...as in you feel that you dint any choice but to do what you did. May be you feel guilty about something? But the story you wrote does not reflect any guilt as such. But if you do feel that way, then it is the reason why you blame it on luck to may be dispose that guilt.

Suggestion: You should become a little more trusting of people. May be share a thing or two with a close friend. They will only understand if you want them to understand. Isolating yourself will you push you further back in your shell until it become impossible to some out. Not every one on this planet is as bad. You do believe that you can change your situation and make things work and you can. But you have to let go off of the past and start new. You do have the potential to make your life better and somewhere in side your head you know you can. But your bad experiences are pulling you back.

2. Quarter to insane:

Dude...give me something you work with:\
I knwo I said keep it short but you've written like three sentences. That doesnt give me enough material. Try again. About the second image, that was only given to help with the first image. Unless you provide be a good 6-10 line story of the first image there not much I can do.

3. Ismah

Baki kal..Please I wana go watch a movie :(

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Animal Farm.

Im not a News Analyst so I dont quite get the hidden message behind whatever the shit is going on in the city. I dont even watch or read news anymore. Been months. I dont lift my head up from the monitor. I wake up, work, eat, work, sleep, and work. But here's the problem. I have an older brother who takes a bus to his university. He goes out with his friends often. Even when he's told not to go. I dont like having to worry about other people.
And I really dont know how to go about this post.
Im just writing because theres nothing else I can do about it. And knowing that something you feel deeply about is completely out of your control, is not a very good feeling.

From what I've heard, the throats of the kidnapped individuals are being cut slightly so that they can be filled with chillies, their bones are being broken and then they are chopped or drilled to death, depending on the mood of the kidnapper, before being tightly wrapped in barbed wires so that they can easily be fitted in a bag. Mind you, we're still talking human beings.

From what I've heard, this is similar to what used to happen back in the early 90s. From what Ive heard, MQM used to fill bags with dead bodies. Used to be their "thing" which allowed them control over people. Ive also heard that its all a plan to frame MQM. And I've heard that the main reason for violence is that the PPP wanted control over Kharadar and some other areas of Karachi, which MQM refused. Also heard that PPP men are taking down MQM men and in return, MQM has no choice but to take down PPP men, just as brutally, to show that unho ne churiyaan nahi pehni hain. And then there are the less popular ANP and Baloch rumors, of course.

Heres whats going to happen; people will keep protesting, Rehman Malik will keep giving stupid statements no one gives a shit about, the 'coalition partners' will selflessly become friends again - for the greater good of the people, of course, the target killings will stop (for a while), the government will fail to bring forth the people responsible, life will continue, soon something shittier will come up, and Zardari will remain the douchy head of the state.

I cant stop thinking about the horror and pain felt by the 'targets' during the last few moments of their lives. All this reminds me of a Serbian Film. Only this is not a film. And there is no ketchup for blood.
If a civil war breaks out, is there anything that they wont do to us?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Story Time. Non-Fiction.

Im a terrible person.
Intimacy makes me sick.
I sat next to that bitch. She wasnt as bitchy as I expected her to be.
All the students of third semester hate me. They have their reasons.
A lot of their marks got deducted cuz of me.
Why do people take feelings so seriously?
Something so temporary shouldn't be given that much importance.
I do terrible things to people just cuz Im bored.
People should know better than to trust me.
Rida keeps talking about karma.
I think Im its next victim.
But then again, life hasn't always been awesome so bring it on bitch.

Getting close to people makes me sick.
Something's seriously wrong with me.
I always kick away genuine awesomeness coming my way and then close the door behind it and lock it and let the awesomeness knock its knuckles out till its flesh is smeared and the skeleton turns into dust.
I are so fucked up up there.

I dont like people who try too hard to be funny. And sensitive people. And needy people. I really hope I dont turn into one. Im tired. I dont want to sleep. I've done something really cunningly stupid and bitchy. Simply because I dint have anything interesting to do.
And that's why I dont like being free. I shouldn't have taken the month off. I always end up doing something stupid and someone always ends up getting hurt. And then I have to hurt them even more to make them feel better.

Say I shoot you in the knee and then say sorry I must leave now and then you beg me to stay and Im like...I dont want to hurt you anymore and then youre like please stay and Im like dude...blood makes me sick and you're confused because it was my idea to throw in some blood and you're like But Im hurt so I feel bad and Im all Okay Ima pull out this bullet now and youre like but theres no anesthesia oh wretched one and Im like 'dude...I've doen this before and youre like no dont touch it Im fine just please dont leave me alone and then I have to tie you down but there are no ropes so I have to use a hammer and nails to pin you down so you dont move and pull out the bullet with pliers and youre screaming and Im ignoring cuz I know you will feel better eventually but you just want it to end and just when you think its over I take out a needle and thread to stitch back the wound and you're like Why are you doing this to me? Im like dude...please...stop being so dramatic and then I fix the wound and leave and you're left with is a scar and hatred.
Yea. That pretty much explains my past week.

Also, I dont like friends who ask for too many favors, no matter how small, too often.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Sufism hermeneutic

In case you're still wondering about the kidnapped girls - they're back.
And they look as awesome [read slutty] as ever. But...Im not gona get personal here.
And in case you're wondering what happened or how did they make it back - I dont know.
No one does. The whole thing was super secret and I think it would be rather impolite of me to go ring their door bell and ask them whatever did their kidnappers do to them. Also I've lost interest in the story. I know I showed a lot of emotions in the last post but they're gone. Been a week. Feelings ka kia hai. Aj hain, kal nai hain.

So here's the deal. I strained my muscle in sleep. It was a little below and around my right shoulder when I woke up. It was bad but bearable. Then I asked my mum to massage a little but I refused to lie down and forced her to massage quickly while I was standing so she did. After five minutes the pain increased and to the whole right side of my body effecting my right lung. It was like I was getting a heart attack in my lung and it was bad. I told my mum so she pressed my back which then made a cracking sound which scared the shit out of my mum and the pain almost killed me. It was so bad that I got dizzy and my eyes kind of rolled back. My mum thought Im getting another seizure. I saw her face and felt bad for making her watch me like this. After fifteen minutes it got just a weeeee bit better so I stood up and told her its alright now. She cried a bit in the corner and was distracted for the whole hour. Everything is back to normal but shes super upset. You know how the air gets when the mommy in the house is sad. But heres the real problem....my back still hurts like shit and Im having trouble breathing and I cant stand straight or lie down. Im only able to sit in this awkward position that Im sitting in at the moment. I dont have the heart to tell her that its still hurting.
Sigh.
Im such a good daughter.
But the pain is nauseating. It hurts when I take a deep breathe and when I sniff or cough. And just so you know, I have flu. So I have to go through a heart attack in my right lung every ten minutes.
But the whole thing made me wonder about parents who lose their children. Life must really suck for them. Also, heart attacks really hurt. I so dont wana die of one. Also, muscle spasm sucks more than epilepsy.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Reality Check

Two sisters have been kidnapped from my apartment, between the ages of 25-28. Both exceptionally good looking.
I used to play with the younger one as a child. But she was older than the rest of us so she bullied us around. Never liked her. Always referred to her as a slut because of her skimpy clothes, affairs, and street slang that she often used.
The older sister worked for air blue so an air blue vehicle did her pick n drop. The younger one worked for Barcleys. They were coming home from somewhere at 5 am in a private vehicle. 5 men [or boys] were following them. When they entered the building the men held the gatekeeper at gun point and forced the two girls to get outside the building and into their car. Its been a week now and no one has heard from them.
I cant even imagine what has happened or is happening to them.
No one deserves that. Not even school bullies and college sluts.
A different sense of style, freedom, and friend circle does not justify the act.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The more you rub...

Today my mami came to meet me mom.
They sat and talked for seven hours straight.
Why did it bother me?
They were sitting in my room.
I share my room with my mom, you see.
More on family matters later.
So they were talking about old shit...everything bad that has happened.
Which made me think of everything that I've done.
And I ended up thinking..."What the fuck was I thinking?
I used to be a very stupid child, you see.
Especially the pre-teen years.
So fucking dumb.
I was one of those kids who never do anything but are still so damn annoying.
Ya know the ones who just greet and then sit in the corner. And you wonder "what the fuck is that kid upto?" and then you keep waiting for that annoying kid to do something so you have a reason to tell that kid off but nothing ever happens. And you keep waiting and the night is over and the kid leaves without doing anything and then you hate that kid for not doing anything and decide to slap the shit out of him the next time you catch the kid alone.
I was the 8 year old who hung out with twenty-something year olds.
I was the lonely kid playing all alone on the monkey bars at 2:30 pm in the month of July.
I was the dheet kid who gets ignored at the goody store and patiently waits twenty minutes before someone listens.

But then I hit puberty and got pissed off.
I started sketching and became bad ass, the bad assness was only in my head of course.
But I made more friends and actually started playing with other kids.
I fell in love with playing with kids, so much that when all of my friends decided to sit and talk because they were now too old to play baraf-pani and ride bicycle on the street, I became friends with kids five years younger than myself - the ones who were still interested in playing tip top and puncturing tires.
I was the rude emo of the school and the girl who never grew up at home.
Yeah...I too dont see the relation between the two personalities but I just was.

The point is...I sucked at having conversations.
I still do actually. But at least now I know what not to say.
This one time...I was 16 I think.
I went out with my best friend and her older sisters, who must have been more than 20 back then, and their friends.
So I was quiet the whole evening.
And then everyone's all..."dont you talk?"
and Im all "I do..."
And they're like.."then taaalk....say something....c'mon"
and I was all "umm...what do you want me to say?"
And they were all "anything...tell us a joke..."
and I was all "nah I dont know any good ones.."
And they were all..."oh c'moon....anything...tell us a dirty joke...doesnt matter"
and I was like..."okay...once a teacher entered the class and saw a little dick drawn on the board...she rubbed it...but the next day that drawing was still there but bigger...so she rubbed it again....the third day when she entered the class she saw a bigger drawing with a note saying the more you rub, the bigger it gets"

*awkward silence*

yeaaah...I was super annoying.
I'd totally slap me.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Religion - I know mine. What?:s

I dont like Muharram. Do you like Muharram? I have major issues with Muharram.
Now I dont want to get into the shia-sunni practices here [notice how no one ever wants to get into that?] but seriously, the over all drama is a bit too exaggerated.
If I have issues and questions about the so called "religious" practices I should be allowed to address them and not just shut-the-fuck-up-and-ignore but thats what Ive been doing for the past...forever...and will continue doing till I finally grow girl balls to go out there and actually slap someone.

Whats with the rallies? Do we get blessings for doing that?
Which act do you think is more religious? Marching out on the street yelling and crying or staying at home and praying?
Mutlab kia yaar...? Hastey honge sab dekh kar tamasha.
Itni kasam se pathetic si koi awam hai.
Ek bara sa crowd that has absolutely no clue of anything at all.
Fazul ka drama.

You can cut yourself open but just know that Im not feelin' ya. Not many people are.
We just look at the show with mixed feelings of contempt and amusement and avoid passing any comments because we just Dont want to argue or be called Kafir.
Personally, I dont argue because I dont have enough religious knowledge to back up my statements. But I think I know stupidity when I see it.
And you know...whatever...go out on the streets, go Black, go morbidly religious...really whatever...not making a difference in my life. Im just hanging out at home doing nothing. I dont have to go out on the street and run naked or anything....streets are all yours...but whats with these people taking over the television?

If you live in Pakistan you probably know what Im talking about.
Those weird shows where this super-intelligent-and-smart-and-religious-and-super-scholarly dude is sitting in front of this super emo audience and narrating the events that took place on the 9th and 10th Muharram.
I always found the whole thing quite scary actually...as a child. But last year I decided to actually listen to that dude. I mean...he's been screaming for years now...deserves a lil attention right?

So he begins very normally...in a very kind tone. And Im like...yeah okay..Im listening. And I did listen. For the first half everything seemed quite okay...besides those creepy smiles that he passed every time he connected Islam with science. But...thats ignorable.
Anyway...I was pretty engrossed in the whole thing after a while...and then suddenly I noticed the lights of the set going dim. And Im like...Okaay...
And then suddenly I heard a few men growling and sigh-ing...And Im like...oooookaay...
And then suddenly the holy narrator began asking rhetorical questions [which were not even that smart, honestly]...
And then suddenly he started screaming. And Im like...Oh no...Altaf Hussain...
And shortly after every one started crying...loudly...like I cry every time my mum makes Korma. By the way, my mum made korma today -.-

So, the point is...if you want me to take you seriously, please act normal.

Friday, December 3, 2010

He says:

I may not be a good daughter but Ive been a good girl. Ive never skipped school or college to go on a date. I may not have been a very good student, but Ive never been a bad student. Ive never cheated in a final exam. I've wasted two years of my life waiting for the results. I write papers for MBA and BBA students to collect money to go to a university. Ive written papers on subjects I dint even know existed. I get very good feedback on almost all the papers that I write. Im exceptionally smart. I shouldnt be asked to waste another year of my life unnecessarily studying something that I do not need to based on the mere assumption that I may or may not be smart enough to handle my desired course. Especially by people who cant tell the difference between Harvard and Chicago.

Im running out of reasons to stay alive.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Idiots.

Seriously...what the hell is wrong with guys nowadays?
Why do they get offended so easily?
They're getting worse than girls.
Pehley when you refused giving your number they would just be a little sad but end up "understanding" but now..they like get offended.
Like "How dare you not give me your number...Do you know who I am? I am the best guy I know"
This kid...he stopped talking to my friend cuz I refused giving my number and dint talk to her for a whole week.
Itney loser kiu hogai hain sab?
I mean...c'mon...I have the right to not give my number and address to a stranger. Itna bura maan ne wali kia baat hai?
Guys can no longer take insults. They've grown ovaries somewhere inside.
Which explains their random mood swings.
Idiots.
This dude. I told this hot shit dude that Im "not interested" and he ended up getting so pissed that he blocked me from facebook, was angry the whole day, and kept abusing me in front of our mutual friend.
And I dont mean abuse like "that-bitch-sucks-abuse" abuse. I mean "maa-bhen-pen-rubber-utensil-abuse" abuse.
I dont know what the fuck is wrong with that retard.
Mutlab kia?
I dont even know you akhroat brain.
Zara charming nai hain meri generation ke bandey.
Im gona get married to a guy who is at least ten years older than I am.
Bus.
Ive had it with these new "men".

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

*sad* *slap* *smile*

The masla of my life [which has been going on for about two weeks] has been resolved. Its like nothing ever happened. The culprit came out clean. The accused are to apologize to the culprit. And I found out that the person I have been defending all this time will do anything to get out of the shit, even it means denying the truth and making the other person look like a liar. Not a very good feeling I tell you.
I want to talk to someone about it but I dont want to repeat the whole thing all over again. Im in no position to confront cuz its all over now and bringing it all up will mean starting a new fuck up. I know. Loser hoon.
I just want to study my ass off and die.
Whatever. I'll live.
So...sup?
I dont have a job anymore so Im like...pretty jobless at the moment. I was supposed to get the appointment letter from this place like yesterday but...yeah. Waiting.
Ive been spending way too long checking my face in the mirror.
My new specs make me look more intelligent than I actually am.
Did you know GBU stands for "God Bless U"?
What the hell is going on on the internet.
GBU sounds like a gaali Sania came up with.
Younger now than we were before.
Kasam khuda ki Im disappointed.
I hate getting attached to people.
They all fuck you up sooner or later.
Bus Ive decided. No more human interaction.
Im very happy with my Google and Donalds. We need no one.
Go away. Sab.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

iHate

Every time I trust someone, I end up getting in trouble.
Every time I believe some, I end up looking like an idiot.
I dont like confrontations.
I dont like keeping up with fools that Im related to.
I shouldn't have to explain the truth.
It is how it is.
I dont know why Im forced to talk to people and listen to their bullshit.
I dont understand why I have to be guilty for telling the truth and then apologize for telling the truth.
I dont understand how liars and back stabber end up coming out clean from fuck up while the other person who has nothing to do with the fuck up ends up looking like a fucking chutia.
I hate forced relations.
Relations I dint get to pick.
I shouldn't have to keep up with them.
Everyone is self centered self obsessed opportunist looking for an opportunity to benefit from every situation.
Give me a reason to not do the same.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Awesome Future.

Its going to be a Muslim country that has separated from another country.
Its going to be very corrupted.
Its leader is going to be a thief.
There will be a civil war in that country.
As soon as the civil war breaks out, that country will be attacked by its neighboring country from which it has separated.
Soon the whole world will turn against it, blaming it for everything wrong in the world.
When that country has been raped repeatedly by every other country in the world, the other Muslims country will form a ghairat brigade, and start protesting.
All these Muslim countries will unite and ask all the other countries to stop.
There will then be two teams: Muslims countries against all the other countries.
It is then that the Third World War will begin.

Some shit predicted by a 19th century "wizard" who was put to death for predicting future. Have yet to find his name. Is it just me or the country sounds familiar?

Thursday, September 30, 2010

~

Friends really suck at times.
Bitches.
think they know everything. Heres the thing. You dont.
And Im not talking about one particular person.
Okay I am, may be, but this applies to pretty much everyone I know.
Ajati hai apni stupid shallow suggestions le kar.
And the only reason I dont want to argue is that I dont want to make anyone cry and I dont want to tell whats going on with me.
Because you dont deserve to know.
No one does.
Kuttey kameney temporary face zits.
You never know when they come and leave.
Bitch.
"We all have issues but friends should be there to help each other instead of being rude"
Bitch.
Im not gona bother replying to that.
Because every time I need "help" no one is around.
I only have people around me when THEY need help.
And me being the regular, forgive me, chutia that I am, am happy to help.
And Im so glad that Im mean to these bitches when Im in a bad mood.
Dont regret a THING.
Im glad I avoid calls and msgs and refuse to help straight away without making up a reason.
And Im glad that Im rude cuz they would eat me alive.
Married cock sucking mullanies.
[NOT YOU RIDA <_<]
You dont want me refusing?
Then dont come around begging for help all the time.
I know...Im terrible.
Wana know why Im really pissed?
I cant tell.
Cuz thats how fucking deep my life is.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

!!!

I dont know what Im gona do.
Im done with my bachelors and I have no idea what to do next. Where to do it from.
Kind of going crazy now.
Been almost a year. I need some education, assholes.
EDUCATE ME.
I cant take it anymore.
Admissions kiu nia horai? Stupid Karachi university.
Stupid gay universities in Dubai.
Stupid job. I dont want no job. Not this one.
I have to start collecting money for masters.
I need a better paying job.
I dont want to go to Karachi university.
I want to study psychology. Fuck arts and architecture.
Why isnt anyone teaching psychology here?
Kia masla hai? Stupid pagal loag.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?

My boss makes me feel bad for not working extra hours after work <_<
I refused to work at home and now I feel bad.
I need to make some money really quick.
I dont like wasting my time [academically].
Should I apply for B.ed?
But I dont like to teach.
But I can get a good paying job that doesnt take much time and then study.
But children are so fucked up man.
Pata nai.
Admissions kiu nai horai?
Job lagwado kahi awesome si? Please yaar?
Something that pays at least 20k.
Not more than 30 hours a week.

I wana study myself stupid.
Doesnt make sense.
My boss made me feel bad like Im not working well or something. And Im working alright. Im doing more than a 100 pages a month.
Need money.
My mum sucks with money.
Spends more than I do.
I mean no disrespect but...you've got to plan for the future.
Even I know that.
My mums too...mommy like. Buys us everything.
When I say enough, she says just one more.
And later she's all "aap itney paise kharch karti ho zara control nai hai"
like...kiaw?
Of course Im not gona say no to another pretty dress or shoes or pizza or all the extra pretty things. Blegh.
Perhna hai mujhey.
Sab kuch parhna hai.
Psychology and literature and arts and journalism and human resources and business theories and politics.
Educate me Bitches.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Tuesday - The new Monday.

Its 6.38 am. Ive been up all night trying to sleep. Third night this month. Its getting worse.
Insomnia sucks. I dont want it. Its painful and depressing. And you know what the worst part is? When youre hopeful that there are still a couple of hours left for the the sun to rise and youre trying to sleep and suddenly you start hearing the birds chirping outside. And then you try harder but its too late and the dim light starts entering your room. When the room is all blue - thats the most beautiful and the most depressing part.
Im just gona drag myself to work now, make it through the day, take my mums sleeping pill at night and waste whatever it left of my shitty brain that just wont stop. Pata nai kia masla hai. If I get asked "kia sochti rehti ho" one more time Im gona smash my head with a hammer real hard. Of course I dont literally mean that. Its painful. I dont exactly wana die before eid. Ive got plans. May be after that. Im hungry and tired.
Soo...work is gona suck today.
Im hungry. Someone fix me something yaaaar kiaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaai yaaaaaaaaaaar neeeeend kiuu nai aaatii........kiaaaaa gaay panaa haaaaai....Im tired of not being able to sleep. Its like a luxury I cannot afford. Stupid pata nai kia crap chalta rehta hai dimag mai idiot fazul ka shit pana bhook lagrai hai naaaa *real tears*