Friday, January 28, 2011

Reality Check

Two sisters have been kidnapped from my apartment, between the ages of 25-28. Both exceptionally good looking.
I used to play with the younger one as a child. But she was older than the rest of us so she bullied us around. Never liked her. Always referred to her as a slut because of her skimpy clothes, affairs, and street slang that she often used.
The older sister worked for air blue so an air blue vehicle did her pick n drop. The younger one worked for Barcleys. They were coming home from somewhere at 5 am in a private vehicle. 5 men [or boys] were following them. When they entered the building the men held the gatekeeper at gun point and forced the two girls to get outside the building and into their car. Its been a week now and no one has heard from them.
I cant even imagine what has happened or is happening to them.
No one deserves that. Not even school bullies and college sluts.
A different sense of style, freedom, and friend circle does not justify the act.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Under my umbrella.

The following conversation takes place between me and my students Mustafa, Zainab, and Mansoor aged 12, 8, and 6.

Me: *while checking lesson diary* Today is Thursday? :O

Mustafa: Yes.

Me: Mai to party karu gi Saturday and Sunday!!

Mansoor: Kiu?

Me: Because!!!

Zainab: When the sun shines we shine together?

Me: Exactly!

Zainab: Ap ye kia bolti rehti hain?

Mustafa: main bhi party karu ga Saturday ko...

Mansoor: *pissed off because he has school on Saturday* Is mai kia bari baat hai main to roz poty karta hoon.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Great Mystries of Life.

At some point in our lives a stranger passes us by forcing us to stop whatever we are doing and wonder "How can anyone possibly stink in winter?"
And I am very serious.
I really dont get it.
And Im not trying to be rude or pretend that I sparkle with cleanliness. Just...I really dont get it.
I can be a shower freak in summers but Im just the opposite in winter.
You know...stinking is still logical in summers...Okay. But Winter?
So I tried this experiment [only it wasnt really an experiment but a harsh reality] where I dint bathe for 6 days. Thats right...SIX Twenty Four Hours Long Days! [I really dont wana do the math].
And I wasnt planning to bathe on the sixth day either...just my socks got all dirty so I had to take them off and then my feet got dirty and I have this thing with my feet and eye lashes. Anyway...the thing is...I still did NOT stink.
Six days is a Lot! do they manage to stink?
Is it some natural body odor problem?
But you dont really sweat in winter...unless you do a lot of labor work...but the stinkers that Im talking about dont even move their asses when they have to make a poop!
Im still in search for a logical answer.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Sharing is not caring, it is Chori UZMA BAJII!

My university starts on February 14...I Know...shup!
And I really cant wait to go. Its been a year since I secretly ate cookies behind a person in class...Really miss the thrill. I cant wait to take down notes...and scribble weird stuff. I haven't sketched in a long long time. I make the best drawings during lectures...I write my best two liners during a class. I come up with the funniest forward msgs during a lecture. Twenty One days left. Just...Im so damn creative in a class room. Mainly because there is SO much to hate.
Ya know...the biases of the teacher, the annoying girly students, the frustrated boys, the wanna be funny crowd, the shairy clan...Just SO MUCH to criticize...Forgive me for the cliche but I totally love to hate.
And No, I will not end up alone with cats in a secluded one bedroom apartment! I like snakes better.

I dont wana sound like a creep but Im more of a stalker type. I used to stalk people...I just liked observing their lives:\
As a child, I stalked three families on regular basis. I was...umm...11 or 12 or something. Or 10...dunno. We moved to this new brother, my mum, and I. So there wasnt much to do mum would spend all day cleaning and making fancy food for brother would hog the tv and play video games...I would roam around in the house, injecting my stuffed toys in the eyes with tang [so the white part would turn orange] and stalking the three families from different windows. I stole the injection from this relative who was a doctor because he would tease me about my teeth -.-
Oh...did I tell you I dint have the four front teeth till I was in SIXTH grade?
Thats right...I used to eat too many chocolates as a child so my teeth went bad and the dentist had to pull them was painful T_T
Actually...I dint feel much pain but the idea still scares me. I screamed so loud...scared the shit out of the children who were waiting their of them started crying....ehehe....made me laugh...Oh how pathetic I looked laughing without teeth=[
So I stopped laughing all together...and thats why you always see a forced but controlled smiles in all my pictures.

Back to stalking. I stalked three families. One I knew personally...they were our neighbors. Memon aunty, creepy uncle, and their three very dirty daughters. Their house always smelled like baby piss. I dint like going there much...but I was kind of friends with the three very annoying girls...actually...they were my minions. Did everything I told them to. I dint like them for some reason...I used to stalk them around 11...thats when the father came home from work...I wonder what he did. But by that time the girls would go to sleep so they had their dinner right outside their kitchen. It used to be a very sad image. The white light from the kitchen would fall on them on one side while the other side was completely dark. They always had this sad, empty look on their faces. I never saw them laugh...or even smile sitting together. The man would eat, never glancing at his wife, while the wife obediently sat there staring at him...It was so upsetting looking at them yet I watched them almost everyday having their dinner. I was addicted to that gloomy image.

The second one I usually observed when I couldnt sleep...which was almost every night. There were two girls...who I am damn sure turned out to be major sluts. These two girls would wake up in the middle of the night around 3 am...when everyone in their house was practiced dance....Every Single Night. Why would they do that?
I remember they got caught once...ehehe...that was hilarious. I almost fell down the window laughing. They woke up early that night...around 2...and while they were practicing...their father came in the room...and he got so mad. He slapped one of them and took their tape recorder. Made me happy and sad at the same time...happy cuz I hated the girls...sad because they were my only source of entertainment at 3 am in the morning. The third family was mainly in my head.

I wana go back to college so I can once again smile at an object's misery. Naaw...Im just making myself sound like a sociopath. I wana go back to college so I can continue observing different people and their behavior and come up with cool psychology stuff. Buyin' it?
I cant seem to get past the fourth stage of Kubler-Ross model. But Imma be takin' 'em pics, lookin' all fly n shit.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine.

Rida: Okay...I have to go pray now..

me: Oh nice.

Rida: What you dont?

me: Nope..

Rida: but tum to karti thi na?

me: when?

Rida: I dont know but you told me..

me: hehe...I dont remember..

Rida: jhooti...religion par jhoot bolti hai...parh lia karo namaz...

me: bahahahahaha

Rida: khabees khud namaz parhtey nai hain azab hum per ata hai..

me: well...we dint feel the earthquake so God is clearly not pissed off at us!

Yes, I actually believe that.
Also, she makes me so happy=[

Also, I hate kids.

*Elvis Style*
Ooo myy daAlinng...Ive hung ered fow yOw Touch!
A lOnng...LoOnely Time......and tiiime gOoes slOowlyy...and Time can do...sO Much!

*ahem* I was saying...I hate stupid vain whores who think they're really "clean" and "Hot" even though they have smooched three guys and have taken large amount of money from their significant other(s). Shallow self obsessed kameenies holding grudges and trying to be hot on fb with that fake air full of idiocy. Using words they cant even pronounce and pretending to be the inventor of French. Its stupid to even think to take them down because of their shocking low IQ. I cant explain myself. Im. Yea. I cant. Need my space for at least a year.
Going to sleep.
*Valima post still pending. Really not feelin' it.

My little cousin is going through some serious trouble.
Showing some symptoms of schizophrenia but Im sure hes lying.
But other than that...hes really fucked up.
He's gona need a lot of help to get through and function normally in the society.
I dont think I want to become a shrink.
I think Ima go for organizations.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Smart blogger...Y U No make a difference?=[

I've been browsing blogger for the past twenty minutes now...the intelligent side this time.
Ya know good blogs...the ones that make you feel a little stupid and shallow.
I came across some really good stuff...of course I dint actually read...but it looked pretty good.
I read the title then I randomly read a paragraph and skip to the conclusion.
I just dont like to read now unless Im getting paid for it.
Anyway. So it was good political stuff...very well thought and properly researched.
Its just sad how none of it is making a difference.
I really dont know where Im going with this.

My mom cried when she heard about Salmaan Taseer's death. She was upset for three days.
And when Benazir died.
And when the flood came...and the zalzala.
And when Musharraf resigned.
Its kind of frustrating.
Honestly, I personally dont even feel that much about anything.
Until I see another person emotionally responding to a particular situation.
So its like...the people around you, or at least me, are partly responsible for who you are and what you become.
I mean...yea we all know that.
Genes + Environment = Individual
Bull Shit + More Shit = a Paki
I say Bull Shit because I think the sense of righteousness that we have is inherited. Along with a gigantic ego and a sense of superiority. You know...cuz we're Muslim n stuff...We're still caught up in the great Muslim conquests of the 700's and the 1200's.
So what if we suckin' American Butt today...We ruled those bitches for centuries...
I still dont know where Im going with this.
Why are feelings other than hatred so hard to understand?
Dont answer that please.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

My very First FTW!

Im not getting much sleep lately and have been working 4 nights in a row. Today be the fifth.
This is hopefully my last assignment for the week. its on Iter Industry and Intra Industry Trade in Eu some shitty statistical crap right.
So I was doing some reach...same across a journal article on it...and I read it. After reading almost a page I realized that it was actually written in Spanish which is why I had trouble understanding it.

I are. High.
On Work.

Egg n Cheese sandwiches FTW!
I never say FTW.
Because I never really came across anything that had the potential to do so.
Until I made this awesome extra cheesy sandwich.
Why am I not super fat?
I actually dont feel like working.
I dont like to work.
I would rather just be left alone at home with lots of food and dvd's and internet.
Im going to spend at least one year of my life not doing anything at all.
Like absolutely Nothing.
That is now my goal.
Why do I keep going down the graph?
From Yale to Bahria.
From steak to egg n cheese sandwich.
And now from World Domination to a year of absolutely nothing.
Give me something to Believe in T_T


*Did 10,000 words in four fucking days!!! ^.^
You dont like to do homework for other people?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Sex - Oh yeah, you wana read this one.

Well, not really. Im just trying that interesting title lame post thing.
I wanted to rant about how I dont like the concept of valima but first...

Dear Danish,

You Suck Ass. Really. You're the worst employee EVER and I feel bad for Omer right now because Im feeling his side of the story.
Yep. Hate YOU!
I know you're reading this so I just want you to know that you're a jerk and you have NO idea how much trouble you've cost me. You got one of my very firsts orders canceled at the very last moment. The client will never be coming to me again. That is exactly what I needed to establish myself in the market. Piss off one of the two clients that I have in total. Im off to a great start all thanks to YOU!

Thats Right. Feel Bad. Very Bad.

Now that thats out of the way...I actually dont feel like talking about the valima thing right now. Next time.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The more you rub...

Today my mami came to meet me mom.
They sat and talked for seven hours straight.
Why did it bother me?
They were sitting in my room.
I share my room with my mom, you see.
More on family matters later.
So they were talking about old shit...everything bad that has happened.
Which made me think of everything that I've done.
And I ended up thinking..."What the fuck was I thinking?
I used to be a very stupid child, you see.
Especially the pre-teen years.
So fucking dumb.
I was one of those kids who never do anything but are still so damn annoying.
Ya know the ones who just greet and then sit in the corner. And you wonder "what the fuck is that kid upto?" and then you keep waiting for that annoying kid to do something so you have a reason to tell that kid off but nothing ever happens. And you keep waiting and the night is over and the kid leaves without doing anything and then you hate that kid for not doing anything and decide to slap the shit out of him the next time you catch the kid alone.
I was the 8 year old who hung out with twenty-something year olds.
I was the lonely kid playing all alone on the monkey bars at 2:30 pm in the month of July.
I was the dheet kid who gets ignored at the goody store and patiently waits twenty minutes before someone listens.

But then I hit puberty and got pissed off.
I started sketching and became bad ass, the bad assness was only in my head of course.
But I made more friends and actually started playing with other kids.
I fell in love with playing with kids, so much that when all of my friends decided to sit and talk because they were now too old to play baraf-pani and ride bicycle on the street, I became friends with kids five years younger than myself - the ones who were still interested in playing tip top and puncturing tires.
I was the rude emo of the school and the girl who never grew up at home.
Yeah...I too dont see the relation between the two personalities but I just was.

The point is...I sucked at having conversations.
I still do actually. But at least now I know what not to say.
This one time...I was 16 I think.
I went out with my best friend and her older sisters, who must have been more than 20 back then, and their friends.
So I was quiet the whole evening.
And then everyone's all..."dont you talk?"
and Im all "I do..."
And they're like.."then taaalk....say something....c'mon"
and I was all "umm...what do you want me to say?"
And they were all "anything...tell us a joke..."
and I was all "nah I dont know any good ones.."
And they were all..."oh c'moon....anything...tell us a dirty joke...doesnt matter"
and I was like..."okay...once a teacher entered the class and saw a little dick drawn on the board...she rubbed it...but the next day that drawing was still there but she rubbed it again....the third day when she entered the class she saw a bigger drawing with a note saying the more you rub, the bigger it gets"

*awkward silence*

yeaaah...I was super annoying.
I'd totally slap me.

Friday, January 7, 2011


Afu: DO you know where you'll have to go for your classes?

Me: Yea...stadium road...

Afu: know..

Me: Umm...yeah..

*awkward silence*

Me: Did you call to mock me cuz you thought that I thought that i'll have to go to Shifa and not Karsaz?

Afu: Yes...

Me: ahahahhahahahahahahha...You evil evil poo!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Blogger blues.

I hate reading blogs. Its so fucking annoying. You go to one and then you see an interesting title and go to another and so on and before you know its fucking 3 am. I just went around to check Roshni's blog and then I hopped to the other titles and I ended up wasting like two hours on blogger. I have a 5000 word paper to write PEN-TOAD!
And you know the sad part? I dint read a single interesting post...besides that one on Kasana's blog...or was it Xeb's...dunno I confuse between the two. Anyway thats irrelevant.
The thing is...every single blog I checked out is following Ubee the boo-hoo guy!!
Mutlab like...kiaa?
You find him that interesting?
I mean like....ya know...the guy wrote that lame erotica...yet he has how many followers? Wait I'll check.
He has...okay forget it the blog is too dark and I dont feel like wasting my eyes.
but still...
You seriously find that guy that awesome?
For real?
Im really sorry...I dont mean to be rude...really...just...its frustrating you see.
He's like Bieber and Monatana.
You may raise the question that I too have followers really wana compare?
Are they pity followers?
I remember I followed his blog because he followed mine and even commented regularly...but then I actually read his stuff one day and then I un-followed.
But...ugh. Whatever.
And Im not jealous if thats what you're thinking...when I get jealous...I ignore the being completely and deny them the right to be acknowledged.
But the hell is wrong with everyone?
First they give Bieber the artist of the year award and now Ubee is the shit?
Is that what the mayans warned us about?
I want to die.
Cant believe I wasted my night like this.
Stupid bloggers with lame posts under interesting titles!

The extreme depths of my observation.

As I drink pepsi and munch on me lays, I think of something funny to write. I fail.
However, I continue sipping from the bottle of pepsi in front of me. I soon realize that the curve of the bottle perfectly fit my palm...oh how frictionless is the smooth like a baby. The only sound reaching my brain now is that of munching and the clicking that takes place on the keyboard. I now smell chicken soup. I wonder when it will be ready to stimulate my sense of taste but I soon find myself sipping from the bottle again. Oh how beautiful the moment is. So beautiful, I want to capture it. I type my mind blowing experience on my blog to let the world how creative and artistically gay I am. Oh how they repress my talent to type bullshit.

That's poetry for you.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Im not fired=[
They're only gona change my supervisor.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Of love and letters

I got fired.
I think I got fired.
For the first time ^.^
But not quite sure yet since my supervisor happens to be a 13 year old emo boy going trough puberty trapped in the body of a middle aged pedo. Wait. Milo. Cake. Ek minute.

This. Is. Love.

Anyway. I always wanted to get fired. It has been a dream of mine. All my colleagues had been fired at least once. I was the only loser. But No More By the Grace of Allah [teeheee] shall I be the devoted creep who works at the same place for months. No sir. I have been fired last night.
No more Kyani and his puberty.
No more "please send the orders list" and "thank you for the confirmation" bullshit.
Khe Khe. I feel so bad ass.
I love you Milo.

So Why did I get fired? you may ask.
You see, my supervisor had this habit of getting emotionally attached with his employees and he did not hesitate to get involved in you personal matters. Ask Danish. He knows it all.
Me being the regular greedy hag did not entertain his emotional needs immediately. Also I've been doing my own thing in the side leaving me no time to work for Kyani.
So Im like...I'll start work next week...and hes like fine suit yourself...and then I was all....I dont like the orders list today...send me one tomorrow...and hes all...alright....and then Im like....dude...I dont like the instructions I dont think I can get this done...and Then he wrote me a letter which sounded something like the following:

"My sweet darling Uz*sniff*maa....Why are you doing this to me? *SNIFF* what have I done? *sobs* Why are you no longer interested in meeeeee the job? *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan* Is it because you no longer need me the money? HAVE YOU FOUND A RICH PARTNER? *Gulp* I....*sniff* or may be you suspect the authenticity of this company? *wipes nose* Is it because I this job no longer provides you the satisfaction that will earn you respect in the eyes of your friends or *gulp* God forbid *tears* boyfriends? Anyway, if your'e no longer interested in me the job you may call it quit instead of wasting time any further *slits wrist*"

And Im dare you say boyfriends? I dont even have one T_T
I was seriously offended you see. The italicized words are actually his.
Why the fuck would he discuss my money matters and boyfriends?
Kutta sala bastard.
So Im like pissed off. So I wrote something that sounded like the following:

"My dear Kyani *sigh* Im afraid your suspicion is somewhat true *sigh*. I can no longer wait for you for hours to take decisions regarding orders *closes eyes and sighs*. I dont see how my need for collecting money or boy friends are any of your business and I would really appreciate it if you dont bring up my personal matters again *looks away*. So please for the love of god dont jealous *tears*. I do not find the topics interesting but I hope we can look past out differences and maintain a professional relationship *sniff*"

I havent heard from him since.
khe khe.
Mere pass to itna awesome cake bhi hai kyani ke pass to hai bhi nai.
Why am I such a clown? -.-