Friday, December 31, 2010


What do I gotta do to get through to you to show you there aint nothing I cant take this chainsaw to?
I miss being madly in love with eminem.
He has been a good friend.
Do you have friends you just cant relate to? But you hang out with them anyway...bleh I dun wana
I have succeeded in putting everyone off.
What do I gotta do to get through to you, you paranoid bitch?
I'm out the closet, I been lying my ass off, all this time me and sanity been fucking with hats off..
So...if you like see a terrible accident on the road and slowly walk toward the scene and see a finger ripped apart on the ground and an arm slit open with blood gushing out of it...what would you do?
I'd walk away.
know what would suck?
If the Brits [Not Americans] invaded Pakistan through Karachi sea port and started marching in the city killing the weak, raping the pretty, robbing the rich, and caging the healthy for slavery. That would so totally suck ass.
Unless I get shot first.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Dear Stupid Bitch on Facebook

Ye larkia apna mu tera kar kar ke kiu picture leti hain?
Yes, it still bothers me and I dont think I can ever get used to it.
Every time I come across a close-up picture of a girl in which she is looking away, while most of her face is covered with her hair, I want to shave my head and peel the skin off of my head with a peeler.

No, Im not exaggerating, these are exactly my feelings.
Just...look at these you think someone else took them?
Are you buying that shit?
That the girl had absolutely no idea that someone is taking her picture?
Do you really believe that the girl was innocently looking away, minding her own business, when some secret admirer quietly sneaked beside her and clicked without her even noticing his/her existence? And later, s/he showed the girl her angelic picture and she went all "OMG When did you take this? I had no idea...teeheheheehehe"
What are they trying to prove?

Fine, you're not ugly. Alright. You may be good looking. Okay. Good for you. But do you absolutely have to create a scene?
Do you absolutely have to celebrate you not being ugly?
Every week?
Every single god damn week?
Mutlab kia yaar...aap koi Brittany Spears hain?
Its just...irritating alright.
I dont know why it bothers me so much but it does.
And I do have a life...Im working two jobs...three if you count all the cleaning that Ive been doing for the past month...for which I will charge my people 2k.
And I also happen to be pretty alright looking....but unlike these stupid sluts, I look in the eyes of the muthafukin photographer.
Its kinda funny though...Im an academic writer, a tutor, and a part time maid who is pissed off.
Well...not anymore...I kind of cheered myself up. Heh.
Blogging does help:\

P.S. Dont you dare tell me that the pics are pretty. They look pretty cuz of the soft focus and extensive use of picassa.

P.P.S. I wasnt mad cuz of these idiots. These bitches dont matter. They be my displacement.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Religion - I know mine. What?:s

I dont like Muharram. Do you like Muharram? I have major issues with Muharram.
Now I dont want to get into the shia-sunni practices here [notice how no one ever wants to get into that?] but seriously, the over all drama is a bit too exaggerated.
If I have issues and questions about the so called "religious" practices I should be allowed to address them and not just shut-the-fuck-up-and-ignore but thats what Ive been doing for the past...forever...and will continue doing till I finally grow girl balls to go out there and actually slap someone.

Whats with the rallies? Do we get blessings for doing that?
Which act do you think is more religious? Marching out on the street yelling and crying or staying at home and praying?
Mutlab kia yaar...? Hastey honge sab dekh kar tamasha.
Itni kasam se pathetic si koi awam hai.
Ek bara sa crowd that has absolutely no clue of anything at all.
Fazul ka drama.

You can cut yourself open but just know that Im not feelin' ya. Not many people are.
We just look at the show with mixed feelings of contempt and amusement and avoid passing any comments because we just Dont want to argue or be called Kafir.
Personally, I dont argue because I dont have enough religious knowledge to back up my statements. But I think I know stupidity when I see it.
And you know...whatever...go out on the streets, go Black, go morbidly religious...really whatever...not making a difference in my life. Im just hanging out at home doing nothing. I dont have to go out on the street and run naked or anything....streets are all yours...but whats with these people taking over the television?

If you live in Pakistan you probably know what Im talking about.
Those weird shows where this super-intelligent-and-smart-and-religious-and-super-scholarly dude is sitting in front of this super emo audience and narrating the events that took place on the 9th and 10th Muharram.
I always found the whole thing quite scary a child. But last year I decided to actually listen to that dude. I mean...he's been screaming for years now...deserves a lil attention right?

So he begins very a very kind tone. And Im like...yeah okay..Im listening. And I did listen. For the first half everything seemed quite okay...besides those creepy smiles that he passed every time he connected Islam with science. But...thats ignorable.
Anyway...I was pretty engrossed in the whole thing after a while...and then suddenly I noticed the lights of the set going dim. And Im like...Okaay...
And then suddenly I heard a few men growling and sigh-ing...And Im like...oooookaay...
And then suddenly the holy narrator began asking rhetorical questions [which were not even that smart, honestly]...
And then suddenly he started screaming. And Im like...Oh no...Altaf Hussain...
And shortly after every one started I cry every time my mum makes Korma. By the way, my mum made korma today -.-

So, the point is...if you want me to take you seriously, please act normal.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Mom: "Ye Sheila kaun hai? Kareena?"

Me: "nai...Katrina.."

Mom: "Acha...mujhe bhi dikhao"

And then Sheila was stuck in my head for like an hour...But Nicki Minaj helped. Ive been listening to her aj kal. Every time I listen to her its like Im listening to something "nice" like "you fill up my senses" but then you pay attention to the lyrics and it turns out to be something like "how do you do that shit?"

Would you work for an awesome multinational company that also hosts porn sites as a part of its overall business? Especially if the pay is great along with a pretty good career ahead in the company? And you wont have anything to do with the porn part at all. Your job is confined to researching and writing?
I would. Probably will.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Baby feff...

Do you like cheese cake? I like cheese cakes. I make good cheese cakes. Not awesome but good enough. Do you have issues with roasted almonds on top of an oreo cheese cake? I like them. My friends had issues with it. I like roasted almonds. They so nice and roasted.

Do you like kids? I dont like kids. Not all kids. Just loud kids and naughty kids and kids who cry a lot and the ones who wont stop giggling and the poking kids and kids who wont stop running and the ones who go tell their mommies everything you say to them. Irritating. Burey lagtey hain batameez bachey. Bush mewa chota sha boobie acha hai <3

Do have a maid? I currently dont have one. She left -.-
Know what that means? I kind of have to do the cleaning part almost everyday. So I like dont like kids when Im doing any work I dont like to be interrupted. So Ayesha and Dua [the neighbor's kid I wana slap stupid] were irritating me. So Im like "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN" and they're like "nai nai nai baby fef BABY FEFFF" [they meant baby chef...this show on baby tv featuring Mrs. Kettle - the colorful hoe]. So I made them a lil house out of chairs and made them sit in it for an hour. And they were actually happy to do so.

Bachey becharey kitne stupid hotey hain. Unko to kuch pata bhi nai hota. Who's zardari, who's Assange, mazay se carefree kheltey raho all the time. Sab kuch believe kar letey hain. I told my cousin a couple of years back...when he was seven...that a dragon used to live by and a kid had a fight with him....the kid was very powerful and he picked up the dragon and banged him in this huge lake so hard that all the water from that lake splashed into the sea...and thats how sea view here was formed. He believed it for a long long time and even went around asking people "aapko pata hai sea view kaise bana tha?" made fun of quite a lot by his friends.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


I want to talk to someone. Nobody is online.
Everyone's asleep.
I have a feeling Im gone be really really unhappy in life.
Pata nai.
Aj mera aptitude test tha.
Test nahi mazaak tha -.-
Itney gay questions. And they gave us an hours to solve that shit which was pretty solved already.
I kind of practiced for SAT but they gave a kindergarten test for shapes and idioms.
My intelligence has never been questioned so bluntly -.-
And then they gave us Human-Figure-Drawing-Test [HFDT] and Thematic Apperception Test [TAT] which totally pissed me off because thats like invading my privacy -.-
My personality is none your business.
I've been subjected to this bullshit before, you know. I dont like the questions that follow HFDT. Anyway, using my awesome brain, I was able to evade their trap and was well prepared to give them a false impression. But I made this fucked up sketch on the back of the paper cuz I was done with the god damn questionnaire in like fifteen minutes and had to wait 45 minutes for the rest of the dummies to finish the shit. And I forgot to erase that sketch. But no one will notice I think.
Im bored.

Friday, December 10, 2010


Wikileaks are interesting. But I think we already knew all that stuff. Its just that we a credible source now.
I like Ahmedeijad. I think he's really hot. And Gaddafi. He be the sax. So weird hai.
So here are a few excerpts from the leaks that amuse me.

"One night in October 2006 a British patrol, festooned with the blue light sticks, agreed on as a sign to identify themselves as friendly, reported they had been shot at by US troops who had no night vision goggles and had been listening to their iPods."

Another cable referenced how Rudd [Australia's Foreign Minister] angered the US by detailing a private conversation he had with Bush which included the moment he was "stunned to hear Bush say, 'What's the G20?'"

"hi... how are you?… im an army intelligence analyst, deployed to eastern bagdad … if you had unprecedented access to classified networks, 14 hours a day, 7 days a week for 8+ months, what would you do?"
- Bradley Manning

And of course...the winner

"'Rotten head Zardari' is 'the greatest obstacle' to Pakistan's progress'"
- King Khalid

Monday, December 6, 2010

Urdu, Anon, and Erotica.

This is just an extension of Blegh e boo because Amara says I end where I should begin=[
My cheap supervisor made me wonder how unromantic romanticism is in Urdu.
I can never be romantic in Urdu.
Its just not...classy.
Imagine...Javier Bardem, with all his sexness, comes up to me with the awesome-st caramel blizzard and says "dil chata hai tumhari aankhain chum lu"
Whats the difference between him and my dear pan wala?
Romance in Urdu is just not it.

And..umm...have you read Ubaid's erotica?
Now now...I dont go around reading blogs...I really dont. Just a certain awesome someones asked me to so I had to. I really avoid going around and leaving hate comments cuz I really dont care much. But after reading it...I felt like I had just seen two gay dogs getting it on:\
And then I was like..."Uzma, calm down...just leave the blog...quietly...browse Away...its going to be Alright" and just when I was about to leave that awesome someone asked me to read the fifth comment...and I did. And now I have a crush on that anon chick. Teehee.
I wish I could explain my disgust for things so rationally.

Anyway, I went to check out this university and I liked it.
The cafeteria smelled awesome. That is enough to get me through.
My supervisor is sooo gaaay.
Im not as lifeless as I sound -.-

blegh e boo

My life has been sucking ass for the last couple of days and its not fun. Cuz its not the severe kind of sucking where you become depressed and get all emo, drawing awesome shit and writing stupid rap shit but more like...ugh..not again sort sucking. Its bad...but not bad enough to wake up that crazy creative dude in you. Yea...the crazy dude in me is a guy and not a girl. I realized that a few months back. But thats not the point. Im still not bisexual or a lesbian. But That is Not the Point.
The point is...I dont like fancy food, alright?
Im just not interested in your traditional kofta and pai and nihari and korma and other variations of meat and oil. I just dont like all thas stuff.
And that is exactly the kind of stuff my people are into -.-
Somethings wrong with my mum.
She thinks the eid isnt over yet so she keep making all this crap. First Korma, then nihari, then pai, and right now Im going crazy cuz we have yesterdays leftover pai for lunch today -.-
I just ordered pizza and realized I dont have money. Which means Im gona have to steal some from my mums purse. But thats not stealing cuz Im gona get all her money sooner or later anyway.
Anyway, shes gona get pissed off cuz shes tired of me being so picky in my food. And Im tired of her not understanding the needs of my taste buds=[

Know who else sucks ass? Bosses.
All the bosses in the world suck ass dry.
I've realized this in a very short period of time.
They may all have different methods of doing it, but their purpose is the same. Suck Ass Dry.
Have you sen Cyrus?
Hows Cyrus?
I think Im gona watch Cyrus now.
But first...*moves jaw right and left like Stanley Ipkiss*
About my supervisor.
Hes an idiot. In fact, hes an idiot of a much higher level...Thats right.
Hes a ch...yep.
First he was really friendly...they all are.
And then he like had a crush on me or something...and then he was all "tum se acha koi nai" and I was like dude..."what the hell is wrong with you?" and he was all "I think you misunderstood" and I was all "okaaaay" and now hes all "please write quality work" and I was all "the quality of my work is awesome" and he was "youre right" and now Im like wtf?:\
My food is here. Goodbye.

P.S. I love you pizza=[

Friday, December 3, 2010


We're out of nutella and milo. Itni si toblerone pari thi bus.
Itna effort lagta hai breathe karne mai. Irritating.
Clients itne stupid hotey hain.
Pagal idiots.
Dil chata hai hot frying pan smack karne ka zor se face per.
Space wasters.
Wasting oxygen and food and water.
Baat karni hai kisi se but I dont want to.
I look like an ugly parrot when I cry -.-
My cousin asked me the other day whether hot actresses poop or not.
She concluded that they secretly do:\

He says:

I may not be a good daughter but Ive been a good girl. Ive never skipped school or college to go on a date. I may not have been a very good student, but Ive never been a bad student. Ive never cheated in a final exam. I've wasted two years of my life waiting for the results. I write papers for MBA and BBA students to collect money to go to a university. Ive written papers on subjects I dint even know existed. I get very good feedback on almost all the papers that I write. Im exceptionally smart. I shouldnt be asked to waste another year of my life unnecessarily studying something that I do not need to based on the mere assumption that I may or may not be smart enough to handle my desired course. Especially by people who cant tell the difference between Harvard and Chicago.

Im running out of reasons to stay alive.

Thursday, December 2, 2010