I know I have an opportunity to have total control on myself and improve and bull but knowing that Ive actually not been the master of myself all these years is rather upsetting because Ive been under that impression all my life. Anyway, I would rather not know.
Moving on, I have this weird obsession with desensitization. My mums claustrophobia is now getting worse. So much that she's having trouble falling asleep with the closed door. Remember how I dont have my own room and have to share one with my mom? Yeah. So I cant sleep when the door or any window is open...so its kind of frustrating. Anyway, the point is...I was telling her how she should consider systematic desensitization to get rid of the fear and try sleeping in a grave-like box. She, of course, freaked out. I dont see anything wrong with the idea. There are two possible outcomes to this situation: You conquer your fear; Your fear conquers you [resulting in death]. Either way, it gets rid of the problem. So I was wondering, does the process apply to feelings as well? Because I think it does.
Like...okay...I've tried it a couple of times and it actually worked.
You know how I think non-stop...yea..so I often stumble on very disturbing thoughts that really creep me out...Like I used to have this thought, when my cousin was born two years back, that Im standing on a bride, holding her in my hands, which is built over this deep scary sea. And its really really dark and all I can hear is the sound of the gushing waves against the pillars of the bridge and then suddenly my cousin slips out of my hands. The thought scared the shit out of me and I couldnt stop thinking about it. Eventually I got tired of ignoring and decided to let go. Every time it came to my mind I made sure I think the whole thing through from her dropping to drowning to picturing how dark it was beneath and the branches that she'd get caught in and the water reaching her ears and brain and every possible detail that you can imagine...and now the thought doesnt bother me anymore.
Same goes for feelings [except for physical pain]...I'd elaborate but the examples are a little personal. But the process has helped me become apathetic toward a lot of things and people and feelings associated with those people.
I really wana study this shit in detail once Im a pro and come up with a way to get rid of nauseating emotional feelings everyone keeps complaining about like hurt and depression and betrayal and um...whatever negative feelings that people have.
I know I dint quite make the case up there but I dint write it right. I mean...the theory is not based on this nor am I referring to systematic desensitization in particular. Also, you're not my professor. I have it all worked out in my head. Well, parts of it.