okay lemme try it again...
im pisd....no i did that..
yea everyone makes me mad...okay i did dat too..
but guess what? thats all there is to me.
thast the bigening and dats the end...
know why i write in such small fonts??? so dat MAYBE IFF someone tries to read will get irritated n wont...but i want someone to...
its.....complicated and i hate the word n everything to do with it.
im cynical...and pathetic....and stupid...and selfish..
everything is about me....its all about me...im the fuking cntre of the planet shit!!
im not in reality like inside my head...like inside the box inside my head......but outside it is everyone elz....and dey all...not satidfied and i dont like it...and im caged n i cant help...nor myself nor neone elz....
*loozer alert - loozer alert*
im done being stupid...blaming me all the time.....
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
BLA BLA BLA BLA LALALAL
*puke*
fuck off whoevers reading and NO i dont need no advice n shit dis doesnt represent nething abt me...
DIE!

i dont know why she makes me soo uncmfrtble...shez not suposed to...she doesnt mean to...but she does.
or maybe its jus me...i dnt know why i feel soo bad...and guilty...its dis sinking feeling...the feeling that u ahv no lungs...dis hollow empty space..full of vaccum...vaccum which cnt be filled.
i blame everything on her...da way i turned out...dis shit lil me...always scared of doing everything..always tryna hide sumthing...this feeling that ive dont sumthing wrong...sumthing i shudnt hav done..
i cant be happy cuz im suposed to...cuz i dnt deserve it....cuz her misery is my fault...and its my fault if shez not happy so i shudnt be happy...dats sumthing i shudnt feel...pata nai..
why do i start to write in the first place....it ends up in a nothing anyway..
im scared all the time..like i am ryte now....like im doing sumthing wrong typing this...and im so damn opposite in appearance...everyone ticks me off...EVERYONE....i ahv sumthing against em all...i dnt deserve all dis..no frnds...i deserve everyhtin elz though...all the shit.....dunno why im never cmfrtable around em...like im doin it all wrong...and i only get dis one chance...

i jus....HATE my damn self!!!!!!!
i cnt write...i cant talk abt myself evn in fron of a nobody...so damn lost...all over place...i do it my way still its not wat i want...i gues i jus ask for the wrong things....everytime i feel sick its me being scared...cuz im doin it all wrong....living it wrong...saying it wrong....giving away the wrong information and the wrong meanings....leaving the wrong impression....i jus shudnt be..
just feel like cutting my face...lots of times...
itsss.....pata nai.
yeah i dont feel better at all!

.......
yeah thats what defines mee.......empty spaces....
its 11:30 im online doing nothing.....i have damn paper to study for i cant...i just cant...i went thru a conversation id like to have with *ppl* a zillion times.....everything i wana tell how i wud react how will *they* react...but i just cant! sealed im fuking sealed!!
i HATE crying...everything makes me wana cry...though noones ever really seen me cry but guess what im a fuking cry baby!
i read the newspaper i wana cry - i see my mom i wana cry - someone asks me *sup* i wana cry - i listen to eminem i wna cry, that asshole jus says the ryte shit!

i can see u sad even when u smile even wen u lauf,
i can see it in ur eyes deep inside u wana cry,
cuz i scared i aint there daddys wit u in ur prayers,
nomore cry wipe em tears,
daddys here nomore nytemares...
where?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOk??
there i gooo....oh look at me i cant get over a fuking death!
ppl who shud die jus keep on living, i hope u die u fuking pimp!!
i HATE CRYING - I HATE MY EYES WET...it makes everything blurr....

im just gona die with noone ever knowing me....or abt me!
everything is soo stupid....everyone is soo stupid....itss....pata nai..
and im supposed to be good at ryting!
everyone i know is soo fucked up....first i thot its normal cuz everyone is sad...but its not...
their issues are sooo damn diffrent and same....almost all....why am i always singled out? its not cool anymore..
i ws doin pretty welll ignoring everything but not anymore...i jus wana cryyyy and cry and die crying.
i cant evn type it here im soo damn cntained afraid someone myte read it soo i never really let the *cat outa bag*...i wish i want soo carefull all the time....whenever im on the verge o letting it out i get dis feelin dat it'll pass....not the shit but the feeling of it will pass....i'll be numb again i am.....its cool...its jus a matter of time till i put the mask bak on but it just gets too...suffocating at time.
why am i alive? i dont know....why am i not dead? cuz suicide is a damn sin...i wudnt anyway....my *mom* wil go crazy eventually ruinin jun life.....im mean the rest of it.
the doors are closed.....i dont feel anything again....i dnt evn know i started wrting...there the shit phase is over i can go bak to pretending now:)

lifes such a draaag:(
i cant believe im letting ppl who dnt evn matter make such a difference in my life..
hating myself:@:@
im soo stupid.......i do such stupid stuff....WHY is everyone tryin soo hard to make me feel like shit..
uhun.........uhun......huh....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaan;(
dis is bullshit...all of it.....
tch......what to write??
why am i doin dis to myself.....................dammit......arGHHHH
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!

......

.........i dunno what the hell is wrong with me......nothing makes me happy....i hangout with my frnds alot and im laughing but theres dis whole different story going on in my head....im never mentally present.
i have soo many frnds...i cant believe none of dem ever realize how fucked up i am!! soo feelingless all the time.....if sumthing major goes wrong i pretend nothing happend....the only emotion i stay in touch with is lonliness and anger. this sounds freakin emo and im not glad abt it....but dis isolation of mine is driving me crazy....im a stranger to myself...
ive been thinkin abt death ever since i was five....i remember standing in the window in the middle of the nyte wen everyone was sleeping and looking at the sky....hoping to see a figure in the clouds...wanting to fly and be lost in the sky all alone and never come back.....wen i was 7 i got soo angry i took a pen and crossed my face in every pic of mine....hoping if i can hide my face in the pic maybe i'll disappear for real...my mom thot my brothr did it as a prank...and i let him take the blame...what kind of a sick kid does all that shit....my first real attempt to kill myself was wen i was 8.....
.and whats up with everyone sayin...*you dont know nothing abt feelings*........maybe its cuz ive felt soo shitty all my life...i dnt feel anymore....everythings pretty alryte now but the damage done in my childhood is done....cant get rid of it....its still there in my head....taking over my life....
junaid too mus be fucked....we grew up in the same situation....but i guess he is more open than i am...shares it with his frnds....and im glad he does.....he too is some what fuckd....yea moms all worried abt him.....hes her fav......im suposed to be my fathers fav......but hes dead so dat doesnt help much..
it wudnt have been as pathetic if the whole aziz asshole episode dint happen...i still pretend i dont remember that crap....damn i pretend alot...never told that to anyone....i get shiver by jus thinkin abt it...yet i think abt it every single fuckin nyte of my life....maybe cuz the nytes are soo long....i got to get it off my chest....but i cant tell noone...i dont expect anyone to understand.....maybe cuz everyones soo freaking judgemental...i remeber that nyte jun tellin me he cudnt sleep cuz everytime he closed his eyes the shit repeated again....i understood...i felt the same but i cudnt tell him.....it was like i cudnt move my tongue....i cudnt move my lips and i ws screamin inside my head....since den i cant speak..i get the same feeling everytime....ever since den we stopped talking to each other....its been ten years and we havnt had a peroper conversation...its now a habbit to not say anything....evn if i do...what difference will it make.....i wud get over it but den the whole ayaz shit happend....and it wont end...its been soo long.....it jus doesnt seem to go away:(
then theres everyone tellin me i dont know shit abt life and experiance and the problems....like they have any real one......all made up issues....everyones whinin abt self created issues...all the time....no wonder i feel isolated....nobody seems to hav a prob similar to mine....not evn close...
i think im schezophrenic.....living a double life......i feel like a puppet....and i dunno whoz pullin the strings...all i know is that there a whole diffrent world always avtive in my head...
....................
fuck it....i dont wnaa write it nomore!