ancient me!

i HATE children...and people....and animals...
soo as i was saying....m here...with nothing to do...i dont wana go. why shud i? i hate living with him...and her...and both of em together? yeah like dats gona happen...it can actually but i dont want it to....on the contrary if that doesnt happen im stuk wit all these ppl ere....jus as crazy.
why shud i have to make dese decisions? dey're not mine to be made. why shud i have to live with the conseuences of sumone elz's mistake? not fair is it? yea yea life and fair and all that shit!

here i am writing it all here on a blog.....coward lil me! im not in that sense but in a very....nevermind.
i start typing im filled wit all this shit and then i type a lil and im blank....like BLANK...
random random random rida bych!:p
the word random reminds me of her.....gaaaah
i hate my fingr dey so small..:@ and my ears....no headphones wud fit...:@
lets jus put it to a side...so yea ima be 20..
TWENTY....dats like OLD.....i mean TWENTY years OLD....twenty years ago there ws NO concept of blackberry and xbox n shit.....im like ancient!!
but i dont mind that.....the problem is there are absolutely NO achievments...like NONE. not evn graduated....no crtificates like NOTHING. dats lame....i have no idea what im gona do in future no idea abt my career....all i poses is a big fat nothing. dats all i have done in these LONG 20 years. havent achieved shit in the past year. jus getting better at whinin.....dats all i do in my head...oooh i dont have an xbox, i waant a blakberry, i gata loose weight waaaan waaaaaan waaaaan.....and in the back of my head i goo....yea like all dat makes a diffrence...cuz i dont really want all dis stuff....its jus that i want to cmplain but i dont wana tell the real shit so i make up all dis stuff i dont really care abt.
i cried for 3 hrs after watchin this lame movie benjamin button....it wasnt evn emotional...but dis last scene reminded me of something and it got me all *sniff sniff*. I hate being so sensitive abt it. i mean get over it bych its been years!!!

i dont feel like writing here nomore......its soo public now...
ACHEEW***
i feel sick - i am sick....i HATE fluu...headAche....*ACHE-AcHe-AChe-ache*
Liar-liar-pants on fire, everyones a liar...yeah me too...but im more of a manipulate-r, like i dont lie n shit...jus dont tell the whole truth...u know whats dead? my innocense.....know what else is dead? the tru happiness....not jus mine...everyone else's....some shit with everyone!! as we grow old we get more complex.....everything which seems simple suddenly is this complicated shit like shit. Why? everythings soo bleak...but whats wrong with that?
i myte be called mentally challenged for sayin this but i dont completely hate being sad...infact being happy makes me uncmfrtble...jus waiting for some shit to happen so i can breathe...here we go again outa my medicine outa my mind and want in urs let us in or IMA KILL YOU!!
oh look at me im a stranger to happiness...no dont be sittin there pity-in me whoever said happiness was the aim n all o life? who decides the fate? not me...defintly not YOU!
these are all emotions...like bodily changes...okay lets not get psychological here BUT if someone doesnt like being happy and really likes exploring sadness and enjoys the il pain and the headaches which make all ur senses soo alert...like ure ALIVE...so much in touch with sound...evn the sound of nothing...that THUD in the head...the hot blood collecting in the lips and feelin all ur veins come to life...ALL of them havin gushing blood flowing with the velocity of a rocket....the fingr tips sooo sensitive....evn air seems to have weight on the skin....like ure ALIVE...
so yeah what if someone likes another emotions more than just happines?
NO im not a sadist!!! Insanely against violnce....but as far as myself is concerned...being happy makes me uncmfrtable.....*siGh*

okay lemme try it again...
im pisd....no i did that..
yea everyone makes me mad...okay i did dat too..
but guess what? thats all there is to me.
thast the bigening and dats the end...
know why i write in such small fonts??? so dat MAYBE IFF someone tries to read will get irritated n wont...but i want someone to...
its.....complicated and i hate the word n everything to do with it.
im cynical...and pathetic....and stupid...and selfish..
everything is about me....its all about me...im the fuking cntre of the planet shit!!
im not in reality like inside my head...like inside the box inside my head......but outside it is everyone elz....and dey all...not satidfied and i dont like it...and im caged n i cant help...nor myself nor neone elz....
*loozer alert - loozer alert*
im done being stupid...blaming me all the time.....
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
BLA BLA BLA BLA LALALAL
*puke*
fuck off whoevers reading and NO i dont need no advice n shit dis doesnt represent nething abt me...
DIE!

i dont know why she makes me soo uncmfrtble...shez not suposed to...she doesnt mean to...but she does.
or maybe its jus me...i dnt know why i feel soo bad...and guilty...its dis sinking feeling...the feeling that u ahv no lungs...dis hollow empty space..full of vaccum...vaccum which cnt be filled.
i blame everything on her...da way i turned out...dis shit lil me...always scared of doing everything..always tryna hide sumthing...this feeling that ive dont sumthing wrong...sumthing i shudnt hav done..
i cant be happy cuz im suposed to...cuz i dnt deserve it....cuz her misery is my fault...and its my fault if shez not happy so i shudnt be happy...dats sumthing i shudnt feel...pata nai..
why do i start to write in the first place....it ends up in a nothing anyway..
im scared all the time..like i am ryte now....like im doing sumthing wrong typing this...and im so damn opposite in appearance...everyone ticks me off...EVERYONE....i ahv sumthing against em all...i dnt deserve all dis..no frnds...i deserve everyhtin elz though...all the shit.....dunno why im never cmfrtable around em...like im doin it all wrong...and i only get dis one chance...

i jus....HATE my damn self!!!!!!!
i cnt write...i cant talk abt myself evn in fron of a nobody...so damn lost...all over place...i do it my way still its not wat i want...i gues i jus ask for the wrong things....everytime i feel sick its me being scared...cuz im doin it all wrong....living it wrong...saying it wrong....giving away the wrong information and the wrong meanings....leaving the wrong impression....i jus shudnt be..
just feel like cutting my face...lots of times...
itsss.....pata nai.
yeah i dont feel better at all!

.......
yeah thats what defines mee.......empty spaces....
its 11:30 im online doing nothing.....i have damn paper to study for i cant...i just cant...i went thru a conversation id like to have with *ppl* a zillion times.....everything i wana tell how i wud react how will *they* react...but i just cant! sealed im fuking sealed!!
i HATE crying...everything makes me wana cry...though noones ever really seen me cry but guess what im a fuking cry baby!
i read the newspaper i wana cry - i see my mom i wana cry - someone asks me *sup* i wana cry - i listen to eminem i wna cry, that asshole jus says the ryte shit!

i can see u sad even when u smile even wen u lauf,
i can see it in ur eyes deep inside u wana cry,
cuz i scared i aint there daddys wit u in ur prayers,
nomore cry wipe em tears,
daddys here nomore nytemares...
where?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOk??
there i gooo....oh look at me i cant get over a fuking death!
ppl who shud die jus keep on living, i hope u die u fuking pimp!!
i HATE CRYING - I HATE MY EYES WET...it makes everything blurr....

im just gona die with noone ever knowing me....or abt me!
everything is soo stupid....everyone is soo stupid....itss....pata nai..
and im supposed to be good at ryting!
everyone i know is soo fucked up....first i thot its normal cuz everyone is sad...but its not...
their issues are sooo damn diffrent and same....almost all....why am i always singled out? its not cool anymore..
i ws doin pretty welll ignoring everything but not anymore...i jus wana cryyyy and cry and die crying.
i cant evn type it here im soo damn cntained afraid someone myte read it soo i never really let the *cat outa bag*...i wish i want soo carefull all the time....whenever im on the verge o letting it out i get dis feelin dat it'll pass....not the shit but the feeling of it will pass....i'll be numb again i am.....its cool...its jus a matter of time till i put the mask bak on but it just gets too...suffocating at time.
why am i alive? i dont know....why am i not dead? cuz suicide is a damn sin...i wudnt anyway....my *mom* wil go crazy eventually ruinin jun life.....im mean the rest of it.
the doors are closed.....i dont feel anything again....i dnt evn know i started wrting...there the shit phase is over i can go bak to pretending now:)

lifes such a draaag:(
i cant believe im letting ppl who dnt evn matter make such a difference in my life..
hating myself:@:@
im soo stupid.......i do such stupid stuff....WHY is everyone tryin soo hard to make me feel like shit..
uhun.........uhun......huh....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaan;(
dis is bullshit...all of it.....
tch......what to write??
why am i doin dis to myself.....................dammit......arGHHHH
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!

......

.........i dunno what the hell is wrong with me......nothing makes me happy....i hangout with my frnds alot and im laughing but theres dis whole different story going on in my head....im never mentally present.
i have soo many frnds...i cant believe none of dem ever realize how fucked up i am!! soo feelingless all the time.....if sumthing major goes wrong i pretend nothing happend....the only emotion i stay in touch with is lonliness and anger. this sounds freakin emo and im not glad abt it....but dis isolation of mine is driving me crazy....im a stranger to myself...
ive been thinkin abt death ever since i was five....i remember standing in the window in the middle of the nyte wen everyone was sleeping and looking at the sky....hoping to see a figure in the clouds...wanting to fly and be lost in the sky all alone and never come back.....wen i was 7 i got soo angry i took a pen and crossed my face in every pic of mine....hoping if i can hide my face in the pic maybe i'll disappear for real...my mom thot my brothr did it as a prank...and i let him take the blame...what kind of a sick kid does all that shit....my first real attempt to kill myself was wen i was 8.....
.and whats up with everyone sayin...*you dont know nothing abt feelings*........maybe its cuz ive felt soo shitty all my life...i dnt feel anymore....everythings pretty alryte now but the damage done in my childhood is done....cant get rid of it....its still there in my head....taking over my life....
junaid too mus be fucked....we grew up in the same situation....but i guess he is more open than i am...shares it with his frnds....and im glad he does.....he too is some what fuckd....yea moms all worried abt him.....hes her fav......im suposed to be my fathers fav......but hes dead so dat doesnt help much..
it wudnt have been as pathetic if the whole aziz asshole episode dint happen...i still pretend i dont remember that crap....damn i pretend alot...never told that to anyone....i get shiver by jus thinkin abt it...yet i think abt it every single fuckin nyte of my life....maybe cuz the nytes are soo long....i got to get it off my chest....but i cant tell noone...i dont expect anyone to understand.....maybe cuz everyones soo freaking judgemental...i remeber that nyte jun tellin me he cudnt sleep cuz everytime he closed his eyes the shit repeated again....i understood...i felt the same but i cudnt tell him.....it was like i cudnt move my tongue....i cudnt move my lips and i ws screamin inside my head....since den i cant speak..i get the same feeling everytime....ever since den we stopped talking to each other....its been ten years and we havnt had a peroper conversation...its now a habbit to not say anything....evn if i do...what difference will it make.....i wud get over it but den the whole ayaz shit happend....and it wont end...its been soo long.....it jus doesnt seem to go away:(
then theres everyone tellin me i dont know shit abt life and experiance and the problems....like they have any real one......all made up issues....everyones whinin abt self created issues...all the time....no wonder i feel isolated....nobody seems to hav a prob similar to mine....not evn close...
i think im schezophrenic.....living a double life......i feel like a puppet....and i dunno whoz pullin the strings...all i know is that there a whole diffrent world always avtive in my head...
....................
fuck it....i dont wnaa write it nomore!

okay dis is waaay too losoronic!!!

.............as pathetic as it is....(writing a blog noone reads).....ima doo it anyway..
but the problem is i dunno what to write...im sooo freakin empty....soo apathetic....and i know why but waay too mych of a sissy to tell (or write).....dunno what im afraid of....hate myself for that!
am i glad noone knows that i hav a blog.....lol....no i dint laugh...or smile....buh im jus soo used to writing it to avoid the seriousness of the issues. thats what i do - AVOID! as much as i can, as long as i can....till my head starts pounding soo had i can feel mu cerebrum expand cuz the fluid inside is boiling and the steam is collected and its filled with hot air, and my heart starts weighin a tonn evry single breathe takes a billion carolies....and all my blood starts collecing in my eyes and feel like the pupil is jus gona pop out and my eye will jus slide down my face thru my burnin cheeks and lips.....which get soo numb from burnin i have look in the mirror to believe dey still on my face.........then i become half unconscious and pretend im sleeping....till im fully unconscious,,,,but the tears wont stop......dey run down my eyes to my ears (cuz im lyin down, the law of gravty comes in)...thats the worst feelin.....wet ears....lol......no i still dint lauf cuz its all tru.....its jus not funny when its tru!

okaay...i jus write stff....and i dnt like to hide it but theres noone id like to show eithr....YES its ki8ddish and immature i fuckin KNOW!

My rigor mortis...

Dont escavate now, my mind, its dead.

What you look for, my soul, I've led, to its grave, and let

it to stay where it belonged, from the start, it was starting to be, something it was not.

The rigor mortis had begun, long before the birth of that one, so sad to know,

it stayed so long...

so long it lingered, where it dint belong.

How hard it was, not to tell, how every second was a year in hell..

but now it doesnt have to compel, how perfectly it rests in its shell, so calm and quite, oblivion inside..

unaware of the air, it wont breathe, wont dare,

time and space, it wont have to chase...

How glad would it be, if it could see, how no longer, it had to be.