this is bullshit...i dint evn ask for anything....bloody fucktards!
this is toooo fucking much!!!
HATe it.....everyone...sumtimes i REALLY question existance..
dunno what bullshit they upto...
im really loosing my selfcontrole now....im like...on the verge like...on the edge...grr...
i hate it wen i cant control my body!
i jus wiped my eyes with my nosy tissue:@:@

i was not to become what i became...

and im sick of the stupid wishes....BACK the fuck off!!! im sick of replyin to all dese msgs on fb!
i dont give a SHIT! the whole idea of birthdays is stupid......
..........i dont ask for SHIT....like ANYTHING.....but noooo.....dey jus have to go out of their way to fuck it all up.....
nevermind!
sick im so SICK....and i hate it how noone ever figures it out.
*sigh*
im blue daba-de-daba-dae
oh well...it was nice to get all those wishes:)
NOT.... lol....im bipolar!
the day is gone...like FINALLY...im hungry...n tired....and pauper....to sum it up im a paki!

soo.....im oficialy 20....

I made it.....alive...lol
like....i thot i wont make it past 18....buhh i did. *jOy*
I wana skip tomoro......ugh.
I hate wishes n shit.....like whats the happy part?
blagh...
what ws i thinking racing all those sperms 21 yrs back...what ws i thinkin?
*lets go chek out the world the rainbows sound soo pretty*...heh..
well...whats done is done..
i wana skip tomoro........the whole *haappyyy birthday treeeeeeaat* routine...
i lost my hapy face and i dont like the substitue smiley wala....its broken frm the edges.
*sigh*
i hurt myself today....my elbo is like broken...doesnt matter now does it?
blegh!!
and whats up wit these ppl calling me up? not my frnds buh everyone elz? like dey giv a shit....dey wudnt knw if i died....and wish like ....blegh!
WHATEVER!

disturbingness!!!

soo yeah its been a while since i had a wild graphic dream...soo i kinda enjoyed it.

Its wasnt a triditional *cought in the middle of a war* dream dis time...it was...diffrent.
I miss havin a war dream....its been a while...anyway..

So i was in this room.....with HUGE aquariums...like HUGE....in one was a big giant human eating turtle...in one were those sharks with the nose like knies...what are they called? whatever....and big lizards in one...and ryte in the middle was a big swimming pool....only it wasnt underground but on top with walls of glass.....and there was a BIG crocodile....i think it was a salk water croc. So i was walking thru it looking at the croc....i hear this wistle sorta thing i go to chek it out it was a geaser sort thing which controlled the temperature of the water in the aquariums...
it was broken....and the room started to get hot...i try to fix it but i break it instead and the water starts boiling in the pool...so i run out. as i as i run out theres a blast....and wen i goo in theres blood all around....parts of animals scatterd here n there....and the wistle was blowing like *teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........*

it was.......weird!
Oh my prac wasnt as bad as i suspected....not evn close:D

this is why im hot!

they call me HELL;
they call me seXEE;
sumthing sumthing
sumthing....
thats not my name....

here she comes again screaming n crying.....i thot id tell her not to go but i dint...i ws too lazy to.
to be honest i dint evn care..its happend jus to many times...and i hate the way i never get used to it...it always comes as a shock....if evn for a second. Im not good wit consoling ppl....infact im really REALLY bad...its almost like not hapenin....im smiling....noone can evn see my face. Pity is the love i have for her....ssss man im crueL!

You kno it aint easy, for these thoughts here to leave me....she tryna console her...she mus be thinkin im such a fuking bych....i mean im done tryna make he feel better...i knw she wont...ive tried...for a lil too long and im tired now. it'll pass.....its been passing for past15 yers.....it'll pass again.....
ima big big gurl...in a big big world...its not a big big thing if its all craapy...

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet....miss him...:(:(

missing him alot....STOP TALKING:@
everyones a bych....so wen dey act like bych why get surprized...they are prone to act like that..what the big deal? its always been like this.

up up and away (the post has nothing to do wit the title)

so heres the list of people who are online :

(away)
(away)
(busy)
(away)
(blocked)
encarta - instant answers (my best frnd always there to talk to)

grrrr...tonsils!!! i think its the salad i had ryte before goin to bed! i cant figure out the assignment...am i dumb?:( - hell No!

i hate indian shows....i dunno why ppl watch em...i cant stand the bullshit they try to pull!
wTf is a *chai-la*? anyway - it really annoys me wen ppl say *anywayss* instead of anyway...its ANYWAY...how many ways d u wana take at once? its jus ONE way and its can be ANY...ugh. Look at me concerned abt such important issues.

i HATE tonsils!

i think im getting a heart attack.

I wke up sick after my 5 hr long nap in the afternoon n my heart beat it slow since...:s
lol...
here on dis blog....i sound like everyone that i hate....whyner, loner, quitter (tho i secretly think quitting is FINE) and sick....and not very pretty...hahah
i cant get myself to initite a stupid command on the programming shit...i have no idea what im doin wrong. Ive noticed...since i talk so much here i dont talk to my frnds dat much nemore....i ignored kainats call yestrday..:$

people talk ALOT!! i got to college and girls are all.....blablablablllalalalalalal.....in their loud squeky voice....in van the kids wont stop talkin..."sister emily really likes me" whatever BYCH noone cares!! they jus keep on takling n talking...and wen im home my neighbrs (i frgot ow to spell neighbr again...) children.....dey play and they scream.....and laugh.....my head is bursting...all i wana do is slit their throats....THEY JUST WONT STOP TALKING!!
and if that aint enuff we got TEEVEE.....the noice is killing me!!! my head hurts and i feel nauscious...here i start wit the cmplainin again.....whats wrong with me? i never used to cmplain before.
i hate it wen i wake up tired!!:(

DIE memory card!!

my stupid cell wont get cnnected......Fuck YOU cellphone!! stupid memry card is corrupted:( I love my cellphone and weneva it betrays me i actually feel bad...:s
assness format bi nai hora!!
toads and pens!!!
i WONT connect....
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:@:@

jus took an hour long nap...helpd the heavy head a lil. My pracs on tuesday and i havent done shit yet...my paper sucked and now the prac will too....i jus hope i pass. Oh crap.....i had to call urooj to tell her abt the prac n shit.....i dont wana:$ im tired.....i jus wana sit in this chair and faadee aaawaaay.....mom got the hint and fixing me salad for diner instead of dal n kebab:D:D
i like her!!
away people on my id annoy the shit outa me....and the list keeps on increasing...i mean if u away...what the fuck are u doin signed in? if u dont wana talk appear the fuck offline....what the hell is away suposed to mean? yea yea sum bla bla xplanation...ima try cnnectin my cell again...
and if it doesnt ima trow it away!!

GOT connected:D aand my memry card wont appear...:s its corrupted....why wud u do that to me memry card? why get corrupted now dat i recently updated you with all those beautiful songs? now that i had so many memrble pic in side? why walk out on me now that im so fuking used to you? why do they always go away?:(:(
*TEARS*
*swimming in tears*
*feeling cold and lonely*

i can be such a dramaqueen....i HATE dramaqueens! bloody attention seeking byches who cant take shit n are always looking for sympathy!
im hungry!!!

pens and toads!:@!

my jaw hurts!

so fufu says we dont breathe while we swallow.....WHATEVER AFU:P
i jus ate but im still hungry and i dont like dal...i like black dal but BOAHT BURI bani hai. Moms usually good at it but not today....i dnt mind kebab but that aint no food...its an apitizer!! I want proper food:( shez been working all day so i jus ate a lil without sayin nething (besides dat the dal sucked)...i want food....A proper 5crse meal!!

so i finally figured out whats goin on in my IT class....we're doin programming...i suck at it - BIG!
buh i brought the program tday wit me gona practice like hell...i dont like not undrstanding stuff cuz den i dnt know it and my imagination stumbles n i cnt think of anything funny to associate it with which makes the whole shit alot more boring than it is! Oh and my frnds name isnt farah its mariam! shez cute. No i dont have a lesbian crush on her its just that i havnt made a frnd on my in a while...i jus made one frnd in first grade and thru her ppl jus came along. So yeah!

I love my name....but wen i have to tell it like in a crowd or a class its like really funny...there are alota giggles around....buh i dont mind...All you gata do is watch me - look what I can do with my feet - for ev ev ever - for ev ev ever...abeers id is wetfeet forever....HAHAHAHA.....why abeer? WHY?? lol!

im hungry....i wonder what rida ate.....n kainat....n afu....urooj wont be eating for a while cuz of her braces...hahaha! dunno why i find it funny.....my humor is very serious....to me...like in a disturbing way. i wonder if rida gets irritated wen i ask her what she had cuz i like ask her that alot...so do u get irritated rida?:p
my eyes are burnin.....let it buuurn - let it buuuurnnn - gata let it buuurn!!
my brains freezing again....the skull all heavy...maybe its the tite bun i make. i wonder if jun reads it...i dnt want him to....keeping me frm writin alota shit.

im hungry:(

im still tired from yesterday, and im bored and hungry...but i dont wana eat!!
its jus soo much of work.....and attention.....like put it in ur mouth...and chew...and chew...and swallow....and breathe at the same time!!
i dont like breathing....i mean...i dnt have to pay attention to it but like....its annoying!!
and watsup with all these frnds? No i love em....:D
ive jus been out of touch...not completely but not involved like i usually am. I think this is my first non-emo post here....well whtever i have another (secret) blog for that shit now.
that stupid chef on tv is annoying the hell outa me WHY is mom watchin it?:@ hes UGLY...dat dude frm masalA tv who does dis suposedly cool (and serious) dance before startin the show on 'welcome'. Is he retarded? blind? slow? somethings wrong with him!

I dont like my IT teacher...he has a funny accent and doesnt know whow to teach...and i hate all the students...dey soo lame...besides dis frnd i made...cant remember her name...but she was laufin on the lame jokes so i dont know. Everyone found it funny...i mean whats so funny abt:

loser : (asking a cmpletely irrelevant question)
sir: "ya tou apney pehley ye crse kara hua hai ya kisi ney aapko batay hai to ask these questions."
class : HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

whers the funny part? Plz telle me if u get the joke cuz the thot is annoying!
the whole class is anoying....I dont like my psychology teacher dis yr....she talks to herself - its disturbing!

I have another class tomoro....I dont like waking up once i go to sleep...thers got to be another way to start a day!! I HATE the colleg canteen...it SUCKS! and i dont have time to fix me lunch in the mornin and i refuse to wake up early to do it. Im hungry...i DONT WANA EAT:@:@ abi tou lunch kara tha phir bhook lagrai hai...yea kia batameezi hai?
oh im gettin alota sypathy frm me mom these days cuz of the tough routine of mine:D I leave at 8 in the mornin n come bak 6 in the evenin so i guess i deserve it!!
My brother bought another game and is goin crazy after it...playing it strait for 7 hrs a day....wen is he gona grow up? the thought that he saw twilight TWICE is disturbing me. Hes like 22...I mean c'mon man!! I cant believ gurls ACTUALLy hav a crush on him...not jus a crush...like a serious goin crazy crush!

I dont like doing Othello in me litearature class....its a vulgar play and i have a lota respect for the teacher...there are like 10 diffrent words used for intercorse and every single time the teacher has to tell us what it means....someones tupping something...HAHAH....shakypee (shakespear) must have been a perv!! Im hungry:@ NAI KHANA MUJHEY:@:@

aarrghh the stupid doorbell...I hate it...main nai khol rai:@

My physics teacher reminds me of sir Lenny.....I miss him:( and sir Romen:(
No literautre class tomoro - dunno why im so relievd! its gona be tiring...but gata do it....for the sake of the stupid future that i dont wish to go thru....no motivation....im not looking forward to anything...its so depressing.....if i dont make it big my lifes really gona be a waste!!

Moms calling me for dinner.....nai kHANA:@:@
im hungry:(
im using a lil too many emotions today....I like being busy...keeps my mind frm wadering - at least on the conscious level....a thot or two slips in frm the unconscious every now n den but its avoidable...i hope i get a damn job dis summer.....ima be TWENTY by the end of the month and i dont have a job yet...i dont want a job...i wana study....ugh!
NAI KHANAAAAAAA:@:@:@:@

...

i hear it again......the silence........
its so deep....and dark.....and sharp.
'i loose myself in tranquility'....oh whoever wrote such a masterpiece - wait I did....haha..
whatever.....dont wana do dis shit ry now.

....and some more whynin....

My throat sucks...i mean its dry n it feels like i got a cactus growin inside it....and my eyes hurt and head feel.....like a rock....my brain is all frozen again so is my my skull....like.....aaaa....cant...move...
but nevermind that...
why wont everyone be happy??
why cant everyone be nice?
how can anyone fall asleep knowin we're living in THIS part of the world?
its such a shame.....i dont want the human race to grow....its we stop reproducing....if this is how we gona live its better to xtinct!!
and then there are these bunch of ppl so unaware of eveyrthing....moving on...havin the stupidst concerns...but i guess we need em around...the world wud be like my head otherwise....dark n empty n quite n cold...
i love winter...feels like death. feels like a nothing...this immortal chilling nothing....like ure walkin on dis endless street in the middle of the nyte with no living creature around....jus dis cool breeze...like dis chilling breeze...n u walking n walking wit these orange street lites lighting the waay....the way to nothingness.......ddi i stop making sense?
i dont wana contnue dis.....or anything elz.....

I'm NOT a racist but I hate jews:$

......after being misrble for days feeling bad for the holocaust and nearly crying for the ppl dying in the auschwitz death camp i dnt feel as bad anymore. those byches taking ti all out palstine now arnt dey? I cnt help but admire hitler (im not a sadist) cuz he like knew it all he picked the ppl he thot wud take over the world like the bychiest of the race decided to finish him....he mus be really smart. i mean killing 6 million ppl aint eay takes brain! no im not tryna justify nething but lets look at it logically....he killed them, they're killing other ppl, so i dont feel as bad abt the jews nomore....i never liked em....not like im a racist but they my least fav! I mean...stop acting like "the chosen ones'...
So yeah...hitler being German killed ppl BUT germans are not blamed for - fine alryte dnt blame em all.....den the U.S goes n dstroys Afghanistan n iraq (also pakistan, Iran - unoficially) and makes places like guantnamo bay n abu gharib n shit...but all the americans are not bad ryte? i mean why blame the whole race for a few black byches? but den dis muslim dude who sees his country turn into dust n watches his family being killed in front of him....having no other options decides to take revenge n blows himself up and there..we have the conclusion - all Muslims are terrorists.
im writing it all here cuz noone likes talkin abt politics and it MAKES ME MAD!
saw Mr. musharaf last nyte talkin abt how we no cowards n will atack back....now HE knows how to talk....i miss him:( n him.....n him...:s
dis is shit....and not fair....a bunch of ppl havng mre den everythng n everyone elz with nothing.
zardari is a whore! manwhore! *ooooh mees 'pey-lin' u shooo pweety wont u come doo me tunyte cuj i dnt give a sheet abt the hungry ppl daayeen of thirst n mees sherry can use a lil help down there * ASSHOLE!
I cant believ our helplessness...and im sick of everyone joinin groups on fb n changing their status in support...like dat makes a dffrence....but thats all we can do innit. we ahve our own damn issues...theres some incident every day in the northern area killin 15-20 ppl...Every single day!! but it doesnt count...u see...not everyone counts.....ur life only matters if u belong to a certain class of certain ppl....rest are not allowed fundamental rites. everyones soo frustrated....I hate being so helpless......and hopeless:(